
Class __^i3j5i^ 

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American Dramatists Series 

TRIAL MARRIAGE 

A SATIRIC COMEDY 
IN THREE ACTS 



BY 

HARRIET HOLMES HASLETT 

HI 

Author of "Jack's Bluff," "Dolores of the Sierra 

and Other One- Act Plays," "The Temptation 

of Anne O'Brien" and "Impulses" 




BOSTON 

RICHARD G. BADGER 

THE GORIIAM PRESS 



Copyright 1920, by Richard G. Badger 
All Rights Reserved 



•g)CU604'i5i 



Made in the United States of America 



The Gorham Press, Boston, U. S. A. 



NOV 16/920 



To 
J. W. H. AND R. H. H. 

OR ANY OTHER COUPLE WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR 



PREFACE 



Various well-known persons have given forth 
epigrams on the subject of the stage, ranging all 
the way from Euripides to Brander Matthews. 
These are chiefly concerned with the theater and 
the actor. Few have mentioned the dramatist, 
yet back of all the author stands, armed with his 
or her own beliefs and standards. 

Personally I believe with Mazzini that the 
drama is the meeting place of art and life. 

Among the several forms of drama the satiric 
is the least understood. Just why this is so I 
know of no one who has vouchsafed an opinion. 
It must be because human beings hate ridicule 
directed against themselves. 

According to the laws which should govern 
true satire the satirist must be well grounded in 
his subject before he presumes to ridicule. Then, 
wherever they will, even into his own soul, his 
satiric darts will fly, carrying inevitable truth on 
their wings. 

This comedy is hyphenated with satire as will 
be perceived. In the guise of lightness I have 
endeavored to present some of the realities, which 
during this unusually restless period are apparent 
in our everyday life. It may help us to live, not 
with the "Professor" who vainly glimpses "fifty 



6 PREFACE 

years hence," but now, in the "today which will 
never dawn again." 

All about us truth abounds, not only, as the 
proverb would have us believe, "at the bottom 
of a well," but close to our vision, if we would 
stretch out our hands and tear away the net- 
work of pretense enshrouding it. Under the sat- 
irized mistakes of today may be discovered the 
livable truths of tomorrow! 

H. H. H. 

Alameda, California 



TRIAL MARRIAGE 



CHARACTERS 

Rodney Finlayson, an artist. 

Jane, his wife. 

Edward Allen, a business man. 

Beatrice, his wife. 

Tad Allen, six years old. 

Mrs. Perry. 

Isabel, her daughter; an art student. 

Sydney Parker, Isabel's fiance. 

Professor Staticmuller, a lecturer. 

Bong, a Chinese cook. 



SCENES 

Act I — The living-room of the Finlaysons and 
the Aliens. 

Act II — Mrs. Perry's sitting-room. 
Act III — Same as Act I. 

Period — The present. 



TRIAL MARRIAGE 



ACT I 

Scene: The joint living-room of the Finlaysons 
and the Allens. // is a large, comfortable 
room, furnished partly as a studio, partly as a 
sittinff-room. The entrances are at center, 
leading to the hall, and at left, leading to the 
Finlaysons' apartment. A stairway leads 
from above into the entrance-hall. The din- 
ing-room is presumably at right of the stairs, 
the street door at the left. A hat-stand is 
visible near the foot of the stairs. 

There is a mantel luith mirror at R., a couch R. C. 
and a r^eading table on which are a lamp and 
books, periodicals, et cetera. Grouped about 
are easy-chairs. 

At L. there is a table on which are artists^ utensils. 
On the walls are sketches and canvases. Models 
are everywhere. There are two windows up 
L. C. and L. Rodney Finlayson's easel is 
near the large window L. C, and a smaller 
one for Isabel is near the window L. A type- 
writer is near Isabel's easel. Rugs are used 
for the whole room, and there are several 
small chairs. Isabel's hat, coat, and purse are 
on a chair near C. E. 

At Curtain Rodney Finlayson is discovered in 
II 



12 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

front of his easel, painting. He is a slight, 
rather dark-complexioned man, wearing, as the 
distinctive feature of his costume, a black vel- 
vet studio jacket. 
Having passed through various phases he has 
reached the stage of life when he is whimsically 
expectant of each new event, and ready to give 
all modern ideas a fair showing. 
Isabel is a pretty, fair-haired girl of twenty-two, 
alert and capable, with a quick sense of humor. 
She wears a tailored skirt and shirtwaist. She 
is engaged in putting away her painting mate- 
rials near her own easel. The light is fading. 
A fire is burning in the open grate R. 
Finlayson {Glancing at the canvas on Isabel''s 
easel) — That's good — a decided improvement. 
Isabel — I'm so glad. I was getting discouraged. 
Finlayson {Returning to his work) — Never say 
that ! Perseverance ! Have you finished for the 
day? There is still a little light. 

Isabel — I vi^ant to w^rite those letters for you be- 
fore I go. 

Finlayson — That's good of you, but I hate to 
trouble you. 

Isabel — Why, you knov^^ I love to do it! {Tak- 
ing up some notes of a letter) Here's this one to 
Mrs. Hamilton about that landscape, I'll copy it. 
And what about that sitting of Mr — er — Profes- 
sor — what is the man's name? 

Finlayson — Blest if I know! He's some freak 
or another who wants me to perpetuate his mug on 
canvas. My wife can tell you, she's always talk- 
ing about him. She got me the job — er — {whimsi- 



ACT I 13 

caliy) — I mean the honor of the operation. Tm 
told it is an honor! 

Isabel {Laughing) — Very well, I'll write the 
note now, and get the address later. Oh, I know — 
Statlcmuller ! That's his name. {She sits at the 
typewriter. ) 

Finlayson — Staticmuller, yes, I believe it is. Some 
sort of a culture bug, isn't he? What's his spe- 
cialty ? 

Isabel — I think he lectures on various new- 
thought problems — the management of husbands, 
and so forth. 

Finlayson — Judging by his name he might be one 
of those chaps who can tell you how many postage 
stamps it would take to encircle the globe, or how 
one can live comfortably on thirty-seven and a half 
cents a week, using the half-cent for diversions ! 

Isabel {Laughing) — Especially if you're a wo- 
man ! 

Finlayson {Laughing) — Exactly! He's a brother 
to the Miss Nancy who hoards up the cotton tags 
off her laundry to make bedspreads. Choice cult ! 

Isabel— Hal Ha! Ha! 

Finlayson — Isabel, your sense of humor always 
exhilarates me. Do you know, you're a rare sort of 
girl? 

Isabel — ^Why? Because I chortle over your 
jokes ? 

Finlayson — That's one reason, I suppose. You'll 
never become an early victim to dyspepsia. 

Isabel — Not while you continue to exercise my 
giggles. 

Finlayson — Well, let's get back to Staticmuller, 



14 TRIAL MARRIAGE ' 

whatever his vocation. Sufficient that my wife ad- 
mires him! (paintinff) You might say {dictating) ^ 
"I can give you your first sitting at three o'clock on 
Tuesday next. Those following can be arranged 
later. Kindly let me hear as soon as possible if this 
will be agreeable to you. Believe me, et cetera " 

(Isabel takes this in her note book, and copies 
it on the machine. Finlayson glances up at the 
windoWj draws aside the curtains and pulls up the 
shade. During the preceding Tad Allen enter's 
C. E. He comes in secretly, creeps to the couch 
and places a small package on it. He is just the 
impish, lovable sort of child who would be called 
"Tad,") 

Isabel {In a moment, noticing him) — Hello, 
Tad! What are you doing? 

Tad {Standing up quickly)— Has mama come 
home yet? 

Isabel — No, not yet. 

Tad — I'm hungry. 

Finlayson {Laying aside his brush) — So am I, 
Tad ; now that you mention it. 

Tad — I wish she'd come home! She and Aunt 
Jane are always at their old meetings ! 

Isabel — They'll soon be home now. 

Tad {Confidentially, hanging over the back of 
Isabel's chair) — Do you know what's today? 
April Fools,' that's what! 

Isabel — Gracious, so it is! I'd forgotten all about 
it. 

Tad — I didn't. I remembered! 

Isabel — Run away now, I'm busy. Go and help 
Bong get dinner. 

Tad — I did help him — I know what's for dinner ; 



ACT I 15 

apple pie! {He snatches Isabel's purse from the 
chair, unseen by her, and runs out ecstatically C. E.) 

Finlayson {Painting again) — It seems to me that 
Beatrice leaves Tad altogether too much with that 
heathen Chinee. 

Isabel — It has been rather frequent lately, but I 
am supposed to look out for him a little when you 
don't keep me too busy. 

Finlayson — Why should you play nursemaid for 
Beatrice? 

Isabel {Laughing) — ^What a name to call a little 
friendly help! 

Finlayson — ^You come here to paint pictures. 

(Tad creeps back and works over the purse and 
a thread. He places the purse on the floor near 
C. E., holds the thread in his hand, and conceals 
hirnself behind the portiere.) 

Isabel — To learn to paint pictures, you mean; 
and to write a few letters for you. I wish you'd 
give me more of that sort of work. I feel that I 
do so little to repay you for all these lessons you 
are giving me. 

Finlayson — Nonsense! Haven't I told you that 
I didn't want to hear any more about that? 
{Throwing down his brush) The light Is gone. 

{He turns on the electric bulb near Isabel. She 
continues typing while he draws down the shades, 
and covers his canvas.) 

(Bong enters, C. E. He is the typical Chinese 
servant of the west, with close-cropped, shining, 
black hair; and is clothed in dark trousers and white 
linen coat, and over all a large white apron of Chi- 
nese pattern, tied with tapes at the back. He stoops 
to pick up the purse. Tad twitches the thread, the 



i6 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

pwse hops alo?ig, much to Bong's surprise. Tad 
springs out, laughing and shouting.) 

Tad— A^r'il Fools' ! April Fools' ! 

Bong {Grunting good-naturedly) — Aw, what 
mailer you? I kill you my big knife. 

Tad {Dancing about) — April Fools'! April 
Fools'! 

Finlayson — See here, Tad Allen, cut that out! 
(Tad subsides.) Those are street tricks. Gentle- 
men don't behave so in drawing-rooms. 

(Bong turns on the lights at R.) 

Tad — Not ever, everf 

Finlayson {Sole?nnly) — Not ever, I assure you. 

Tad — Then I don't want to be a gemplum ; they 
don't have no fun. 

{He busies himself with the purse and thread, 
placing the purse C. E.) 

Bong {To Isabel) — Ladies no come home yet? 

Isabel — No, not yet. Bong. 

(Bong goes into the entrance hall and turns on 
the lights, then exits R. Tad follows hifn. Isabel 
covers her machine and puts away papers.) 

Finlayson {Looking at his watch) — It is getting 
late. You'd better run along; I'll keep house. 

Isabel — I am staying a little later this afternoon 
to see Mr. Allen. He said he would bring me a let- 
ter of recommendation for Sydney to the Carroll- 
Seymour Company. It will mean so much to Syd 
to get it I 

Finlayson — Means something to you too, eh? 

Isabel — Yes. If Sydney obtains the position, he 
and I can announce our engagement and be married 
in the fall. 

Finlayson — What will Mrs. Perry say to that? 



ACT I 17 

Isabel — Poor mother! She is never very strong, 
you know, and that is one reason why I have de- 
layed announcing our engagement. Sydney has been 
very impatient; he can't understand it. But she is 
feeling rather well just now, and if Syd gets this 
position she will be willing. 

Fmlayson — Then I suppose it will be all up with 
this. {Indicatinff studio work) You women are 
all alike — confoundedly eager to run your heads 
into the noose ! 

Isabel {Laughing) — Well, j^ou ran your head 
into it, didn't you? 

Finlayson — Oh, Jane and I hit it off all right! 
The rare times I see her I'm rather fond of Jane. 
We don't trouble each other much. 

Isabel — You and Mrs. Finlayson are my model 
couple. 

Fi J? lay son (In affected honor) — My benighted 
girl! What a standard! 

Isabel (Seriously) — I like the way you take each 
other for granted. 

Finlayson — There's really nothing like it. For 
mstance, Jane's sense of humor. She hasn't any, 
you know, but I always take it for granted. 

Isabel (Ruefully) — Neither has Syd. I wish I 
could take it for granted, but I can't ; it's too far- 
fetched ! 

Finlayson — In a case like that the only way to 
do is to cultivate your own to the fullest extent. 
That has been mv plan right along. 

Isabel— Well, I think I'll try it. 

Finlayson — It would simply be a waste of genius, 
if you didn't. Keep it up. In time you can't fail to 
awaken Parker's. 



1 8 TRIAL MARRIAGE , 

Isabel — But you admit that you're not always 
successful with Mrs. Finlayson. 

Finlayson — No, but I'm always hoping. Some- 
times I think I detect a responsive gleam. The 
turning point is bound to come some day. 

Isabel {Smiling) — Then I'll take your advice and 
continue to chase a forlorn hope. Syd is so good! 

Finlayson (Ruefully) — So's Jane! Scandalously 
so! {Both laugh.) 

Tad {Running in C. E., ju?nping at Isabel and 
clinging to her) — Say, Isabel, what's a apple-pie 
bed? 

Finlayson (Removing Tad forcibly) — Really, 
Tad, if you were my son! 

Tad — I guess I like my own dad best ! 

Isabel — Never mind. Tad, come here. I'll tell 
you about an apple-pie bed. (Mysteriously) You 
tie up all the sheets and the pillow-cases, you know, 

and the night-clothes, and you put everything 

(They sit on the couch and whisper together, laugh- 
ing.) 

(Edward Allen enters hastily, C. E. He is of 
medium complexion, rather tall, and heavily built; 
an average type of the fairly prosperous business 
man. He sees only the obvious in life; and when 
affairs are going his way, this satisfies him.) 

Allen — Hello, everybody! Say, Beatrice, hurry 
on dinner, will you? I promised Carroll — ^why, 
where is Bee? 

Finlayson (Drawling) — Oh, she and Jane are 
out at some club meeting, learning what brutes you 
and I are, and what they must do to tame us! 

Isabel — Good-evening, Mr. Allen. 



ACT I 19 

Tad {Sprinffinff into Allen's arms) — Hello, 
dad! 

Allen — How d'ye do, Miss Perry. Pardon my 
noise. Hello, Tad, you old rascal! 

Isabel — I think Mrs. Allen and Mrs. Finlayson 
went to the New Century Club this afternoon. 

Tad — Dad! I don't never, never want to be a 
gemplum. 

Allen — No? You grieve me, son, you grieve me. 
What's your reason? 

Tad {Indicating Finlayson) — Not the kind he 
Is anyway. Just a nice, noisy gemplum like you, 
daddy! 

Allen — Humph! 
Finlayson — That lets me out. 
Allen — Here, you young fellow, you weigh a 
ton. Run along. (Tad runs out C. E.) 
Isabel {Putting on her hat) — I must go. 
Allen — Wait a moment. Miss Perry; I have 
something for you. {He takes a letter from his 
pocket.) 

Isabel — Oh, Mr. Allen, you're so good ! 
Finlayson — You and I are getting uncomfortably 
virtuous, Ned. My sprouting wings feel cramped 
under this jacket. Excuse me while I change. Good- 
night, Isabel. {He goes out L.) 

Isabel — Good-night. Don't mind me! 
Allen — Here's the letter I promised you for Mr. 
Parker to the Carroll-Seymour Company. {They 
sit on the couch, and he gives it to her, Tad^ 
anxious to see if they notice his package, creeps back 
and hides behind them.) It is in a double envelope, 
you see. I hope it will help. 



20 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Isabel — A recommendation from you, Mr. Allen, 
makes It practically certain. 

Allen — Carroll told me yesterday that he was 
looking for just such a man. I don't think there 
is much doubt but what Parker will make good. I 
intended to phone him about the letter today, but it 
slipped my mind. 

Isabel — Oh, no, no ! You would have spoilt 
everything. It's a secret. I'm keeping it for his 
birthday tomorrow. 

Allen— 0\ ho! Then I'm not to tell, eh? 

Isabel {Laughing) — No, indeed. It's a secret 
between you and me. Thank you so much ! You 
have made me very happy. 

(Tad peers around at them, listening intently. 
Isabel rises. Tad drops down again behind the 
couch.) 

Allen {Cordially pj'essing her hand) — Don't 
mention it! Always glad to put in a word when I 
can. 

(Bong enters C. E.) 

Bong — Ladies no come yet? 

Isabel — Not yet, Bong. You'll have to wait din- 
ner a little longer. 

Tad {Coming around the couch, luhining) — I'm 
hungry! 

Bong {Grumbling) — Aw, no good! Dinner all 
spoil'em. {He goes out.) 

Allen — Blank these women's clubs! I've got a 
directors' meeting at the Indoor Yacht Club at 
seven-thirty, and 

Isabel {Slyly) — And that is important! 

Allen {Recovering himself) — Oh, I guess we 
men «;v selfish brutes; but Tad and I are hungry! 



ACT I 21 

Let's get a new mama, Taddy — one who is always 
on the job to feed us, eh? 

Tad (Shouting) — Yes, I know who — Isabel! 

Isabel ( Confused) — Tad ! 

Allen {Laughing loudly) — Look here, old man, 
you'd better not be so prompt. 

Isabel — I must go. {Hastily going for her jacket) 
I wonder where my purse is. (Tad laughs.) 

{ The front doorbell rings, Bong crosses C. E. to 
answer. ) 

Tad — I know where 'tis ! I know where 'tis ! 

(Sydney Parker enters. Bong crosses C, E. 
again to dining-room R. Parker is precisely the 
type of "not good enough inan' for a splendid girl 
like Isabel. He is rather handsome, and always 
fashionably dressed. Bred in the conventional mold, 
he has not the faintest idea that he is not good 
enough for anybody. His egotism is wholly uncon^ 
scions, the result of his perfectly correct upbring- 
ing.) 

Isabel — Oh, here's Syd ! 

Parker — I thought I might just catch you. {He 
greets Allen and Tad^ picks up the purse.) Hullo, 
what's this? 

Tad {Runs to him, laughing and shouting) — 
April Fools'! April Fools'! 

Parker {Catches Tad in his arms) — You rascal! 

Isabel — My purse! Oh, you monkey! 

Parker — It's a fine night to walk home, Isabel. 

Isabel — Good ! I need some air. 

(Allen assists Isabel with her jacket; she puts 
the letter in her jacket pocket, with a meaning look 
at him.) 



22 TRIAL MARRIAGE / 

Tad {Whispering to Parker) — ^You mustn't ask 
her about the secret. 

Parker {Who has noticed the look between 
Allen and Isabel) — ^What secret? 

Tad — Shuh! / know. 

Allen {Aside to Isabel) — That's between you 
and me, eh? 

Isabel {Beaming) — ^Yes. Good-night! 

Parker {Eyes Allen keenly) — Good-night. {He 
and Isabel go out C. E.) 

Tad {With a huge sigh) — I think I like my own 
mama best. 

Allen — ^Yes, Taddy; so do I. Now, you'd bet- 
ter not say anything to mama about what we were 
talking. She might feel bad. We men understand 
these things, you know. 

Tad — ^Yes, we men does. (Allen approaches 
the couch. Tad becomes anxious.) 

(FiNLAYSON enters L. wearing a business suit.) 

Finlayson — Say, where's dinner? 

Allen — ^Where are the housewives who order din- 



ner 



Finlayson — Oh, get in line, Ned! Order your 
own dinner! 

Allen {Crossly) — Well, it makes me sore. Here 
I've got a meeting — and Carroll — {Going C. E.) — 
Bong! Oh, Bong! Put dinner on the table. We 
won't wait any longer. 

Bong {Off stage)— A\\[ght\ 

Allen — It strikes me that these modern notions 
are ^^^cidedly mixed. "Order dinner," yes! That's 
all very fine ; but when Bee and Jane register polit- 
ically to help make the laws to put us brute males 
in our proper places, under what title do they 



ACT I 23 

qualify? Housewives, Fin; housewives, do you 
hear? 

Finlayson {Lazily) — Well, here's their house; 
and they're wives, aren't they? I don't care much 
when I get my food, as long as there's plenty of it 
when it comes, eh, Tad? 

Tad — I'm hungry! Come on, daddy! {Dragging 
Allen toward C. E. ) 

Allen — ^Wives ought to be just as busy providing 
things for the inner man as husbands are providing 
raiment for the outer woman. 

Finlayson — My dear Ned, don't you know that 
when a woman and a tornado make up their minds 
to go anywhere, nothing on earth can stop them ? 

Allen — I attend to my work during business 
hours, I expect others to do the same. I come 
home a little late thinking dinner will be ready so 
I can get to a meeting. No dinner — no wife — no 
anything ! 

Finlayson — As far as I can make out, the din- 
ner's here ; so's the house. The only thing lacking 
is the wife, exercising the same privilege of being 
"a little late!" 

Allen — ^Well, the main reason we set up this joint 
establishment was to economise time for them as 
well as money. But they don't seem to have any 
more time than they had before. 

Finlayson — Bromide! "Nobody has!" 

Allen — Oh, you're always siding with the women ! 
Beatrice is forever holding you up to me as a pat- 
tern. You're "Johnny on the spot," right enough ! 

Tad {Giving his father a series of jerks, saying 
softly) — I'm hungry — I'm hungry! 

Finlayson — She flatters me. You see, we've got 



24 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

to learn our proper places. It's hard on us, of 
course. We're only "incidents," you know, in the 
general scheme. What was it Jane told me I was 
the other day? Professor StaticmuUer told her. 
A — a — a — er — a "visualised mental projection," I 
believe it was. {Airily) You and I are just 
thoughts, Ned, just thoughts! 

Allen — Oh, shut up ! (Tad is amazed.) 

Finlayson — That's the sort of gentleman you 
want to be, eh. Tad? 

{A Chinese dinner-gong sounds off-stage. The 
two men go out C. E. toward R. Tad ru?is ahead 
of them, shouting ''Dinner! Dinner/'^) 

{Immediately the sound of lively chatter is heard 
in the entrance hall. Jane Finlayson and Bea- 
trice Allen enter C. E. They are in becoming 
street attire. Mrs. Finlayson is serious, incon- 
sistent; but possessed of higher mentality than Mrs. 
Allen^ whose jnind is of a sort with her fluffy, fair 
hair, which is never in order. Jane's hair is s?nooth 
and dark, and her serious eyes make one wish to 
awaken in them that ''responsive gleam" of which 
her husband spoke. They come to the center of the 
room, co?npletely absorbed in their discussion. They 
talk rapidly and simultaneously, the dialogue fitting 
in disjointedly. Tad rushes back and swings on his 
mother s arm. Finlayson and Allen return, and 
remain standing in the doorway. The two women 
do not perceive them.) 

Tad — Mama — mama ! 

Beatrice {Absent-mindedly kissing Tad) — Just 
the same, Jane, he's wonderful 

Jane — It's all so vital, so 



ACT I 25 

Beatrice — I don't care what Mrs. Potter says, 

he has the most 

Jane — The test of a true marriage is in the- 



Beatrice — He must have been terribly unhappy 
himself. Why, didn't you notice when he 

Jane — He's probably had an unfortunate love- 
affair, and now he is trying 

Beatrice — I'm sure of it ! He can never have 
been tied to the ordinary humdrum 

Jane — He speaks from experience. Only those 
who have 

Beatrice — That fascinating accent of his ! It just 
haunts me, and 

Jane — One must live these precepts to- 



Beatrice — Just what I think. Anyone as noble- 
looking as he is must have had 

Jane — Everyone should have the chance to decide 
these things by a fair trial. Why, what do we 
women ever 

Beatrice — His eyes are positively tragic. They 
seem to see far, far 

Jane — Up to now man has 



( They continue more volubly, indistinguishably , 
going R. and laying down their handbags, gloves, 
et cetera.) 

Finlayson — What did I tell you, Ned? Just 
now we're not even "visible." Let's see if we are! 
{Slipping across the room he plants himself directly 
in front of the women.) 

Allen — Oh, rot! I'm going to dinner. {He 
starts out; the women become aware of them.) 

Beatrice {Airily) — Oh, hello, boys! Tad, don't 
hang so on mother's arm. (Tad runs to Allen.) 



26 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Jane — ^Why, you have finished work early today, 
haven't you! 

Allen {Returninff to C. E.) — Early! 

Finlayson — My w^atch is probably wrongs — every- 
thing about me is ! In fact I don't even know if it 
is a watch ! Is it, Jane? Anyway, it says it's seven 
o'clock. 

Jane — Heavens, it can't be! Rod, you're joking. 
Good-evening, dear. {Kissinff him casually) 

Finlayson — I was never more serious, my treas- 
ure! 

Jane — I never know whether you are in earnest 
or not. 

Finlayson — I'm trying to cultivate your sense of 
humor; my watch is probably lying. 

Allen (C.) — Well, my hunger is no lie. See here, 
Beatrice, I'm tired of this. Late dinners three or 
four nights a week! When it isn't a culture club, 
it's a bridge fight. It's enough to rile any man ! 

Beatrice — ''Three or four nights!" You're too 
absurd, Ned. 

Allen {Excitedly) — That's no joke! Am I right. 
Fin? Haven't we eaten chipped beef, and dried-up 
fish, and — and " 

Finlayson — Don't ask me, I don't remember. 

Allen — Well, I remember, and I'm sick of such a 
bill-of-fare. 

Finlayson — Say, Ned, you made a mistake in 
marrying a wife. What you really intended was to 
engage a cook ! 

Allen {Turning on hi?n indignantly) — Well, 
what did you marry for, "Beau Brummel"? 

Finlayson — I married a "companion for my mid- 
dle-age, and a nurse for my declining years." 



ACT I 27 

Jane {Alarmed) — ^Why, Rod, dear, aren't you 
well? {He looks at her intently.) Oh, you're 
joking! 

Finlayson {Patiently) — Yes, Jane. In time, you 
know, I hope to have you so responsive that 

Jane — Time is all so fleeting — so vaporous — 
so 

Beatrice — If you men had something to think 
of — of course, I suppose you really do keep busy 
during the day, Ned, but 

Allen— Busy] Ye Gods! 

Beatrice — In your leisure moments like these, I 
mean. If you had something of vital importance, 
something uplifting j to discuss with us, for instance ! 
Now we 

Tad — I'm hungry ! 

Beatrice — Run away to Bong and get your soup. 
Tad. 

Tad — I want to eat my supper with my daddy. 

Allen {Shortly) — Come on, Fin. {He and Tad 
go out C. E. toward R.) 

Finlayson {Helping Beatrice take off her coat) 
— I'm not hungry. I'm doing something "vital." 
What was the subject of the lecture today, Beatrice? 

Beatrice {Solemnly) — Marriage. Thank you. 
Rod, you're so thoughtful I 

Finlayson — Hm ! As serious as that? No won- 
der you were late ! 

Jane — She has told you only half. Trial Mar- 
riages were discussed. Oh, it is a vast, vast sub- 
ject! Really, when I think of It 

Finlayson {Helping Jane take off her coat) — 
Why thiTik? You are all settled and done for. 

Jane {Calmly, taking off her hat) — Oh, no, Rod; 



28 TRIAL MARRIAGE , 

that's where you make a mistake! We must not 
consider ourselves settled. That is the point Pro- 
fessor Staticmuller made. 

Beatrice — ^We must not consider ourselves settled 
ever. "All is subject to change!" 

Finlayson — Er? You mean that — er — me — or 
Ned — or any of us, might be changed any time? 

Jane — Certainly; it is a law of nature — {gran- 
diosely) — "fluid nature." 

Finlayson {With pretended ser^iousness) — And is 
this change — er — voluntary, or are we just pitched 
helter-skelter, "willy-nilly," as the poet saith? 

Jane — Our will has much to do with it. All 
that is in my past, for instance 

Finlayson — Your pastf Jane, you have deceived 
me! You never told me you had a past! 

Jane — Don't be crazy, Rod. What the Pro- 
fessor means is this : You draw your past and future 
together, and, and 

Finlayson — And tie them up in a hard knot? 

Jane — Oh, Rod, you confuse me! And with 
their help {slowly) you make of the present a con- 
crete ideal. We must throw everything out of the 
present that in any way hampers this ideal. 

Finlayson — Including husbands and wives, eh? 

Beatrice — That's his idea, and I thoroughly agree 
with him. If you could see his deep-set eyes when 
he talks about it, Rodney! I just wish you and Ned 
could be there! 

Finlayson — Christopher! I wish we could! 

Jane — We are going to try and arrange a meeting 
for the husbands. 

Finlayson — We need it, poor beasts! Say, how 
about eating? 



1 ACT I 29 

(Edward Allen enters, C. E., a slice of bread 
in his hand.) 

Allen — See here, aren't you ever coming to din- 
ner? 

Finlayson — Our "goose is cooked," Ned; we're 
all to be changed! 

Beatrice (Excitedly) — It's no joke, Rod Finlay- 
son. I believe all the Professor said. Do you sup- 
pose if I'd had a chance at a trial marriage of six 
months, say, with that cross old bear, that he would 
have dared to make such a row because dinner was 
late once in awhile? 

Allen — Eh? What's got you now, Bee? 

Finlayson — Be calm, old man ! She finds her 
marriage with you a mistake. 

(Allen looks from one to the other in angry he- 
wild er^ment.) 

Beatrice (Excitedly) — I'm not excited and I'm 
not angry. I'm looking at the matter calmly and 
sensibly, as he said we should. 

Allen— Who s^idl 

Beatrice — The Professor. 

Allen (Choking angrily on his bread) — ^What's 
he got on me, I'd like to know! 

Jane — Not on you alone; on any man. Take 
ourselves, for instance. We should have been per- 
fectly free to change our minds if we found we 
were not suited after a stated number of months. 
It's all quite simple. 

Finlayson — I see. A sort of try-out, eh? 

Beatrice — You do put things in such a bald way, 
Rod. 

Finlayson — Well, the whole thing is rather bald 
and raw, it strikes me. 



30 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Allen — Do you really believe in all that bosh, 
Beatrice ? 

Beatrice — Of course I do! It's all quite true. 

Allen — ^And you think if 5^ou keep on trying, that 
you're going to find someone who's going to stand 
all this damned nonsense? {There are little shrieks 
from the Women. What's the time limit your 
blooming Professor gives you? 

Jane — He thinks six months v^^ould be a fair test. 

Allen — It's never too late, is it? I w^ish you'd 
hurry on that husbands' meeting! I'd like to smash 
his old head for him ! 

Beatrice — You're just as mean as you can be ! 
{Beginning to cry.) I don't want any dinner. Oh, 
dear! Oh, dear! {She gathers up her wraps, and 
handbag J and goes upstairs.) 

Allen {Looking rather ashamed of himself) — 
Well, Jane, I'm sorry; but it does make me sore. 

Finlayson — Don't you want your dinner, Jane? 

Jane {Casually) — Oh, no, we had a late tea! 
Don't wait for me. {She gathers up her wraps, et 
cetera, and goes out L.) 

{The two Men gaze at each other in disgust.) 

Allen — Doesn't it make you tired, all this bosh 
those men put into the women's heads? 

Finlayson — It isn't all bosh, you know; but the 
dear souls get an exaggerated idea of these new no- 
tions, and they'll never rest until they give us a 
turn at being victims. 

Allen — You're a queer guy. Fin. Do you mean 
to say that you put any stock in this ? 

Finlayson — There's a lot of truth in it, isn't 
there? What did Bee know about you, for instance, 
when she married you ? 



ACT I 31 

Allen {Reluctantly ) — Oh — well ! 

Finlayson — Same here! I can't say I knew much 
about Jane, though. Her mother saw to that. 

Allen — Well, / don't see any sense in kicking up 
all this rumpus. Something's got to be done right 
here and now. Bee's getting too unsettled. I never 
can find anything — always having to buy new 
shirts ! 

Finlayson — Too bad you didn't marry a laun- 
dress ! 

Allen — Meals late three or four times a week! 

Tad {Appearing C. E., a chop bone in his hand, 
his face smeared) — Say, daddy, why don't you 
come to dinner? 

Allen — Damned if I want any dinner! Run 
along, Tad; finish your own. 

Finlayson — Say, Tad, tell Bong to bring me a 
plate of soup in here. {He clears one end of the 
studio table by pushing back brushes, papers, et 
cetera.) I feel Bohemian tonight. 

T^^_What's ''henian"? 

Finlayson — Something a "real gentleman" never 
is, Taddy. (Tad goes out C. E.) What do you 
say, Ned, to giving the girls a try at their new idea? 

Allen — What do you mean? 

Finlayson — ^Why, if they're so stuck on having a 
change, let's give it to them. 

A lien {Bewildered) — Eh ? 

Finlayson — Oh, I don't imagine they'd let us go 
far! But a little premeditated campaign might have 
a good effect on the dinner-hour, and your shirts 
might not go off on such long vacations. Taddy 
might not see quite so much of Bong. 

Allen — I don't get your working idea. 



32 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

(Bong enters, C. E., carrying a plate of soup, 
bread, et cetera, which Finlayson directs him to 
place on the studio table. Exit Bong.) 

Finlayson — Let's fall in with their plan. I don't 
think they have any, so that makes it all the more 
venturesome. {Ruminating) Suppose — suppose — 
suppose you and I have been thinking along the 
"trial marriage" line also — suppose we've even gone 
so far as to be tired of the present arrangement. 
Suppose 

Allen {Angrily) — I'll suppose nothing of the 
sort. You're crazy! 

Finlayson {Sits and begins to eat his soup) — Yes, 
I've been told that before — often! Of course this 
will all be a huge lie, but what does one more mat- 
ter after all we have told them ? 

Allen — I tell Beatrice everything. 

Finlayson— }l^\ Ha! Ha! {Chokes) 

Allen — I don't see the joke. 

Finlayson {Rising, still coughing) — Well, let's 
tell them this anyway. Come, hurry up, man; 
gather together your ideas on marriage! Haven't 
you any? 

Allen — Damned if I know! 

Finlayson — ^You see? Beatrice was right, you 
haven't anything "vital" to think about! 

Allen — Oh, hang! 

Finlayson — ^We'll have it all arranged by the 
time they come back, ready to spend the evening in 
sweet domesticity. We're willing to let them 
change us if they're so unhappy ! You saw your- 
self how little I, or the dinner, or anything else 
around here mattered to Jane. They both need a 
change to make them aware of us. {Business-like) 



ACT I 33 

Now whom have you been thinking about for sec- 
ond choice? 

Allen (Hotly) — ^You know perfectly well I 
haven't been thinking of any such thing ! 

Finlayson — Tut, tut, man! Didn't I see you 
and Isabel Perry collaborating over some secret this 
very evening? There you are! Isabel's the very 
one — thrifty, pretty, slight leaning toward art — not 
enough to matter! Fond of children, she's the girl 
for you. That's settled! 

Allen {With sarcasm) — Where does Parker 
come in ? 

Finlayson — He can settle his own affairs. We 
can't make arrangements for everybody! Now for 
me — who in thunder? I like your nerve, Ned; 
you've taken the only girl in sight! 

(Beatrice is seen descending the stairs.) 

Allen {Protesting) — Here's Bee! We can't 
carry out any such fool plan. 

Finlayson — Buck up! Just watch me! You fol- 
low my lead. All you've got to do is to agree to 
everything I say. I'll arrange all the details. 

Allen {S?noking furiously) — All right; go ahead; 
I'm game! 

(Beatrice enters C. E., simultaneously with 
Jane^ L. Beatrice wears an injured-innocent air. 
She sits R. and embroiders. Jane is calm and 
casual, as though nothing had happened. She picks 
up a heavy volume from the studio table, and pre- 
pares to settle down with it. She notices Rodney's 
soup plate and other things.) 

Jane — Why, Rod, what have you been doing? 

Finlayson — Merely following m.y own inclina- 
tions. You might call it reversion to type, I sup- 



34 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

pose. The only reason I eat my meals regularly In 
the dining-room is because you are supposed to be 
there. "Gather round the family board," that sort 
of thing. But when you don't "gather," why, food 
is food "where'er its home" ! Poor old Tad is do- 
ing the "gathering" stunt all by himself tonight! 

Allen — Humph! 

Beatrice {RisiJig suddenly) — I must see to Tad! 
{She goes out C. E. toward R. Jane sits and 
reads. ) 

Allen {Throwing himself full length on the 
couch) — Jane, what did you say the Prof.'s name 
was that talked to you today? 

(FiNLAYSON gives Allen a warning look, and 
goes back to his soup.) 

Jane {Busily reading) — Professor Staticmuller. 

Finlayson — You liked him, you said? 

Jane — Oh, exceedingly ! He's 50 progressive; but 
very much misunderstood. As he himself says, he's 
I quite fifty years ahead of the times. 

j Finlayson — Oh! Feels lonely, does he? 

Jane — I suppose he does, poor man ! He's not 
too advanced for me. Why, he carries me right 
along with him! 

(Beatrice appears C. E., talking off to Tad.) 

Finlayson — Is that so? Hm! 

Beatrice — No, Tad ; I said only one piece of pie. 
{She enters.) Who carries you right along with 
him, Jane? 

Jane — Professor Staticmuller. 

Beatrice {Enthusiastically) — He's a dear! 

Allen {Puffing furiously at his cigar) — Give us 
some of his dope. 

(Finlayson sends him another warning look. 



ACT I 35 

Both Women begin to talk at once, in fragments. 
Finally one hears:) 

Beatrice — It Isn't what he says so much, as the 
way he says it — and 

Jane — This is one of his books. He 

Beatrice — He has the most adorable accent that 
ever 

Jane — If you would only take time to read this, 
Rod, it would give you something to think about. 

Finlayson — Something 'Vital," eh? It looks solid. 

Beatrice — Jane reads him, but I am contented 
simply to listen to him. I put my mind into his 
hands, as it were. 

Allen — Humph ! 

Beatrice — Eh ? 

Allen {Sputtering) — Oh, nothing! 

Jane — He does his own publishing. Naturally no 
publisher can be found who is progressive enough to 
have faith in his material. 

Finlayson — That's where the publishers make a 
grand mistake. They're all too conservative — a lot 
of old grannies! 

Jane (Pleased) — ^Why, Rod, how nice of you! 

Beatrice — I didn't know you ever thought of such 
things. 

Finlayson — On the contrary my mind is teeming 
with the new thought of the century. 

Jane— Why, Rod ! 

Finlayson — I tell you, girls, it needed only this 
evening's incidents to bring to a flame the smolder- 
ing furnace within me! 

Jane — What are you talking about? 

Beatrice {Enthusiastically) — I have always felt 
you had something in you. Rod. 



36 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Finlayson — I have ! I have ! And Ned and I 
have been talking things over, haven't we, Ned? 

Allen — Um-hm. 

Beatrice and Jane — What things? 

Finlayson — I don't believe much in coincidences; 
I believe more in the projection of thought. I think 
it must be that, don't you, Ned? 

Allen — Yes — I — I — think it's that. 

{The two women are all curiosity.) 

Finlayson — It's immaterial whether you put the 
thought into our minds or we put it into yours — 
just the same, we've been thinking along the same 
lines all unknown to each other. 

Beatrice {Breathlessly) — What lines? 

Jane — Rod, you're so slow! 

Finlayson — This trial marriage stunt. » 

Beatrice — ^Well, what do you know about it? 

Finlayson — Not much, I must confess; yet deep- 
rooted here in my chest are convictions which your 
arguments tonight have clinched. Ned and I 

Beatrice — I don't believe Ned has any deep con- 
victions in his chest ; have you, Ned ? 

Allen — ^You bet I have! 

Finlayson — You see, it was a rather delicate mat- 
ter to broach. I suppose Ned and I have still re- 
maining in us a few of the traditional ideas of the 
old-fashioned male. We^ 

Jane — Really, Rodney, are you sure you had only 
soup for dinner? 

Finlayson — Quite sure, my dear Jane; and I 
haven't finished that yet. To come to the point, for 
you are evidently as weary of my preface as you are 
of me — Ned and I are — er — in fact, we are willing 



ACT I 37 

to be changed. We were only waiting for you to 
say so. 

Beatrice and Jane — Changed? 

Allen {Begimiing to enjoy the situation) — ^Yes, 
anxiously waiting, we might say. 

Finlayson — Your friend Staticmuller — er, pardon 
me, that sounds rather off-hand — Professor Static- 
muller — has convinced you of certain things by his 
experience of life fifty years hence. Now we needed 
only your confirmation of our thoughts. {Hammer- 
ing his chest) It takes courage to be the pioneers 
of any new movement. We are willing to throw 
ourselves into this for the benefit of posterity. 

Beatrice — What? 

Jane — What are you going to do ? 

Finlayson {Enjoying himself hugely) — We are 
willing to throw off the yoke of convention. We 
had no chance w^hen we were younger. We ran our 
heads blindly into the noose and thought we must 
stay tied all our days. Now comes the prophet 
Staticmuller offering us light along the new way. 
What if we didn't try it at first? Is it too late 
now? No, I say — a thousand times, no! 

Allen {Making a noble effort to help) — I read 
somewhere the other day, ''It's never too late to 
mend." 

Beati'ice — Oh, pooh! 

Jane {Solemnly) — Beatrice, this is serious. I 
feel that we are on the eve of a great upheaval in 
our lives. 

Finlayson — Serious? Well, I should think! You 
have been the injured victims of circumstances. 
Blindness and ignorance landed you in our un- 



38 TRIAJL MARRIAGE 

worthy arms. Now we declare you free, to choose 
whom and where you like, leaving us the same 
privilege. 

Jane ( Gasping) — Rod — I — I ! 

Beatrice — Ned! Are you in this? 

Allen — Um-hm. 

Finlayson — This makes it all very easy for Ned. 
He really has cut the path clear for all of us. Brave 
old Ned! You wouldn't think it, would you? 

Beatrice {Still all fluffy assurance) — Ned, what 
have you been doing? 

Allen {Sitting up. With a valiant effort he out- 
does Finlayson.) — Oh, nothing much! Merely 
choosing your successor. 

Beatrice {Gasps, and sits down in the nearest 
chair) — What ? 

(Jane drops her book with a thud.) 

Finlayson {Going to Allen^ patting him on the 
back) — Good old Ned! You've got that off your 
chest. It will be so much easier now. It makes it 
so much easier for me ! 

Beatrice — What ? — What ? 

(Jane stands transfixed, gazing at Finlayson 
with growing suspicion.) 

Allen — That's what I said. 

Finlayson — While scientists and Staticmullers 
have been filling books with these things, Ned and I 
have been getting ready to live them. 

Jane {Stately and serious) — It's strange you have 
never given any indication before of thinking these 
things. 

Beatrice {Excitedly) — I insist upon knowing 
what you mean right away ! Immediately, I say ! 

Finlayson — Ned, are you ready for me to an- 



ACT I 39 

nounce, here and now, the name of the one whom 
you feel destiny meant for you? 

Allen — Go ahead! I'm sure a person fifty years 
hence wouldn't mind, and I don't think Isabel will. 

Beatrice — Isabel ! 

Jane — Isabel! {They gaze at each other in con- 
sternation.^ 

Finlayson — Yes. Acting on the impulse of that 
projected thought, Ned confided her name to me 
only one short half-hour ago. 

Beatrice {Excitedly) — Ned, this is a very poor 
joke. 

Allen {Solemnly) — Beatrice, forgive me! I wish 
it was a joke! 

The Women — Isabel ! — Isabel ! 

Allen — That's what I said. 

Beatrice {Gradually becoming hysterical) — So 
this is what comes of allowing Isabel Perry to come 
here day after day, pretending to take painting les- 
sons, staying late every afternoon so she could see 
Ned when he came home, and — and 

Jane — Beatrice, restrain yourself. Don't you 
know that you will gain nothing by all this excite- 
ment? 

Beatrice — I guess you'd be excited too. I de- 
mand to know, Ned Allen, how long this affair has 
been going on? Rodney, you have been here; I 
insist upon knowing all you know about it! 

Finlayson — You must not ask me to betray Ned's 
confidence. He may tell you himself. Brace up, 
old man. 

Allen {Haltingly) — You see — all this would 
never have happened, if we had known about this 
scheme earlier. Instead of eight years — you and I 



40 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

would have had our six months — and that would 
have been the end of It. 

Beatrice {In tears) — End of what? 

Jane — Be calm, dear ; be calm ! 

Finlayson — Yes, be calm! I have a surprise in 
store for you. (She pays no attention to him.) 

Beatrice — Calm ! I won't be calm ! I demand 
to know what end he's talking about! I'll show 
Isabel Perry, and you, too, Ned Allen ! How can 
you sit there and smoke, and tell me such things, 
and your innocent child in there eating apple-pie 
and 

Allen — It is hard, but I understood that Static- 
muUer had prepared your mind for any contingency 
that might arise any time this side of fifty years. 

(Beatrice continues to gasp and sputter.) 

Jane — Oh, he never comes down to personalities! 
He is so broad and general ! 

Finlayson — I see. Then we are ahead of him. 
We are dealing in personalities. His theories are 
striking us right where we live. 

Beatrice — I'm going right now to talk to that 
hussy, that designing little minx! I'll talk to her 
mother about her; she ought to know. Coming 
here pretending she's engaged to a perfectly good 
young man — and, and all the time she's^ 

Jane {Restraining her) — Beatrice, wait! Think 
what a shock it will be to Mrs. Perry. Be calm. 
It will do no harm to wait till tomorrow. 

Finlayson — Yes, wait till tomorrow, Beatrice. 
Meanwhile 

Beatrice — I'm going now ! 

Allen {Yawning) — Oh, wait till morning, Bee! 
It's getting late. 



ACT I 41 

Beatrice — Late ! 

Jane — We must talk this thing out. You won't 
gain anything by too much haste. 

Finlayson — No; what are a few hours? You have 
already waited eight years ! 

Allen — Take until tomorrow to think it over, 
Bee. Besides, Rod has something to say for him- 
self. Spit it out ! We were going to stand by each 
other, you know. 

Jane — Rodney? Why, he never sees anyone — 
he 



Finlayson — Ah, how little you have understood 
me! 

Beatrice {Breaking away from Jane) — Fm go- 
ing! 

Jane — Be calm, dear. Rod, what are you say- 
ing? 

Finlayson — Beatrice, stay. You are in this. 

Beatrice — ^Yes, I am in this ! Let me go, Jane. 

Finlayson {Impressively) — Beatrice, I expect no 
response from you now; I ask none. Silently I 
have lived in your house, have watched you, com- 
ing and going, never giving me a thought 

Beatrice {Beginning to suspect his meaning, and 
growing quiet through curiosity) — Why, Rod, I 
think of you a great deal. You are only delaying 
me now, I must go ! 

Finlayson {Rapidly) — Haven't you guessed? 
Can't you grasp my meaning? Don't you know 
that you — dont look at me like that, Jane! Yes, 

Beatrice, I feel that you, that you alone {He 

turns away as though choked with emotion.) 

Jane {Gasping, releases Beatrice) — Rodney! 

Allen {Gazing at Beatrice) — Great Scott! 



42 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Beatrice {With siffns of pleased amazement) — 
Why, Rodney! Impossible! 

Finlayson {With shaking voice) — Why "impos- 
sible"? As Jane says, I have seen no one. Day 
after day I slave here in this corner, seeing no one, 

except Tad and Isabel; caring for no one 

{With a comprehensive gesture) Now you all 
know why! {Hammering his chest) Oh, what a 
relief to be free at last! To be relieved of this 
secret burden ! Heaven be praised for StaticmuUer 
and his wonderful creed! 

{During this speech Jane has drawn away from 
Beatrice, gradually becoming rigid.) 

Jane — Rodney! 

Beatrice {Slightly triumphant, glances toward 
Allen furtively, and consciously pleased, toward 
Finlayson) — Why, Rodney — I never dreamed! 
I never suspected the faintest — I don't know what 
to say! 

Finlayson {Waxing enthuiastic over his success) 
— I appreciate your feelings. I myself never knew 
before what to say. A new-born courage has come 
to me. I feel like a man delivered from the bond- 
age of a — of a 

Allen {Shortly) — See here. Fin, aren't you rather 
overdoing this? 

Finlayson {Surprised) — It is something when 
once found cannot be overdone. 

Jane {Approaching Allen) — So this — so this is 
what I am indebted to you for ! To you, who 
neglect your wife, and leave her to wander aim- 
lessly from club to club — from 

Beatrice {Indignantly) — Aimlessly? No such 
thing! I have always had a distinct purpose. You 



ACT I 43 

know perfectly well that you are the one who is 
aimless, disagreeing with this one and that one — 
while I 

Jane — Yes, you! You believe everything they 
tell you, and half the time it is because you don't 
know what they're saying, you're so busy raving 
over their eyes or their hair — or — or 

Beatrice — ^You just take that back, Jane Finlay- 
son ! Take it back, I say ! 

Finlayson {Aside to Allen) — We've got some- 
thing started, all right. 

Allen {Drawing himself up, turns away, to FiN- 
layson's amazement) — I say, Bee 

Beatrice {Haughtily) — I think the less I hear 
from you, the better! 

Allen — Look here, this has gone far enough. 
I 

Jane — I should say it had ; but one would scarcely 
expect you to be the one to say so ! 

(Tad runs in C. E. He looks from one to the 
other. All except Finlayson are much excited 
and talking loudly.) 

Allen — I haven't talked half enough. I have a 
whole lot to say. Fm going to lay down some new 
rules for this household. Just let me 

Beatrice — Oh, indeed? Who has made you lord 
of the house? Do you hear that, Jane? 

Jane — Yes, I hear. Well, it's time something 
was done. 

Allen — I seem to be the only sane one in the 
bunch. Fm sick of all this tom-foolery ! 

(All stop, and gasp for breath.) 

Tad {To Finlayson) — Now I don't know 
whether you or Daddy is a gemplum ! 



ill' 



44 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Finlayson — Poor old Tad ! It h a poser! 

Beatrice — Shuh! We are just wasting time. 
Taddy, run and get me my hat and coat from ofi 
my bed. 

Tad — Oh, mama! Don't go out again! 

Beatrice — Hush ! Do as I say. 

(Tad ffoes out C. E. and upstairs, snifflinff.) 

Jane — Beatrice, you haven't had your dinner — 
you- 



Beatrice {Scornfully) — Dinner! Nothing shall 
stop me ! 

Finlayson {Going to her) — Have you no heart? 

Beatrice — I'll talk with you later. I know where 
my duty lies now. {Going to the stair foot.) 
Taddy! Hurry! 

(Tad appears reluctantly on the stairs, comes 
down, carrying the hat and coat. Beatrice goes 
hurriedly to the mirror and puts them on. Tad 
tries to help her with the coat. Finlayson has 
an impulse to prevent her going, then ref?'ains.) 

Tad {In a loud whisper) — Mama, are you going 
after the letter? 

Beatrice — What letter ? 

Tad — The one Papa gave Isabel. He said ft 
was a secret. 

Beatrice {With an awful look at Allen) — ^Yes, 
Tad, / am! 

(Beatrice hurries out C. E. Tad runs after 
her, setting up a howl. Allen picks him up in 
his arms, starts out, then returns with a distracted 
look.) 

Finlayson — Of course, Jane, you must take your 
own time. I — er 

(Jane turns on him a look of freezing dignity. 



ACT I 45 

takes up her heavy volume and goes out L. Fin- 
LAYSON tu?-ns to Allen and begins to laugh silent- 
ly. Allen does not respond. Finlayson chokes 
between laughs.) 

Finlayson — They came to it better than I thought 
they would. Ha! Ha! Ha! How about It, Ned? 
Will you go after Beatrice? She'll probably take 
a taxi. Parker and Isabel are strolling home in 
the moonlight, so Bee will arrive first, and be cool- 
ing her heels on the doorstep, waiting for them. 

Allen {With Tad in his arms, gazes indignantly 
at Finlayson. He goes toward C. E.) — I should 
imagine you were the one to go after her! {He 
goes upstairs, a much injured man.) 

Finlayson {Pauses a moment in bewildered as- 
tonishment) — Ha! Ha! Ha! {Going to the studio 
table he surveys his cold soup, then yells) Bong! 
Oh, Bong! {At C. E.) Bong! Bring me some 
hot soup. {He continues to laugh.) 

(Bong appears C. E.) 

Finlayson — Hot soup, Bong; all cold. 

(Bong goes out, Finlayson ruminates, takes up 
the telephone directory, searches for a name. Bong 
returns with the soup.) 

Say, Bong, you know where Miss Perry lives? 

Bong—^ho Miss Pelly? 

Finlayson — ^Young lady — Isabel — Miss Perry. 
{Indicating the typewriter) 

Bong — O — — oh! Miss Pelly. I no know 
where lib. 

Finlayson — Hm! No, of course not. {Search- 
ing in the directory) Perry — Perry — Charles, 
Daniel, Henry — I — here we are — Isabel! Great 
girl, to have it in her own name! All right, Bong, 



46 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

never mind. {He begins rapidly to eat his soup.) 
Phew! This is hot! 

(Bong goes out C. E. Allen enters C. E. He 
goes furiously to the table R., takes a cigar out of a 
box on the table, lights it, puts on his overcoat from 
the hall-stand, and takes his hat.) 

Finlayson {Cheerfully) — Going out? 

Allen — No! Fm going to bed! 

{He goes out C. E. to left. The front door is 
heard to slam.) 

Finlayson — Phew! {He finished his soup, rises 
leisurely, starts toward the hall-stand, then remem- 
bers something he wants in his room, and goes 
quickly L. He meets Jane entering L. Finlay- 
son bows low; she passes him haughtily. He goes 
out L.) 

Jane {Goes to the couch and seats herself with 
?nuch dignity. She notices Tad's package, picks it 
up, opens it, and discovers a lot of old rags with a 
paper pinned to them. She reads) — ''April Fools'!" 
{A light breaks over her face.) "April Fools'!" 
{She begins to laugh quietly. She sees Finlayson 's 
plot. An idea comes to her. She looks about, then 
picks up the book she has been carrying. She looks 
on the fly-leaf.) Henrik Staticmuller ! {She goes 
to the telephone directory, looks up an address, takes 
up the ^ phone and calls quietly:) Hello! — Walnut 
6578 please. Yes, Walnut. — Is this Walnut 6578? 
Professor Staticmuller? — Oh, Professor, this is 
Mrs. Finlayson — {Very softly and distinctly, as she 
is afraid of being heard) Mrs. Fin-lay-son. Yes, 
that's right. Could I see you a few minutes this 
evening? — Oh, no! {Embarrassed) If you could 
come to the house of a friend of mine, a friend. 



ACT I 47 

yes! — She has an idea — Oh, no! An idea, I said, 
not my dear. — My friend has an idea that will work 
well into one of your lectures. — Yes. — Oh, yes, she's 
much interested in the meeting for husbands. Yes. — 
Can you be there in about half an hour? — Oh, 
thank 5^ou, I couldn't think of troubling you ! I'll 
meet you there. Her number is 916 Washington 
Street. — Miss Perry, P-e-r-r-y. — Yes. — I'm just 
leaving in a moment. Good-by. {She hangs up the 
^phone, returns to the couch and pretends to read. 
She looks impatiently toward L.) 

(FiNLAYSON enters L. He wears his overcoat. 
Jane glances up coldly, but continues reading. Fin- 
la yson jauntily lights his pipe beside the studio 
table. He takes his hat from the hall-stand, whist- 
ling cheerfully.) 

Finlayson — I'm going out a little while, Jane. 

Jane — Yes? Very well. {She gives a huge 
sigh.) 

Finlayson — Eh ? 

Jane — I'm thinking of poor, dear little Mrs. 
Perry. She's not strong, you know. A shock like 
that might be very bad for her. 

Finlayson — Great Scott! I forgot all about her. 
{He goes out hastily, C. E. to left.) 

(Jane laughs, and goes out L. Bong enters, 
C. E. He looks about. Jane reenters, hastily put- 
ting on her hat and coat.) 

Jane — Turn down the lights, Bong; we're all 
out for awhile. {She stands for a moment at the 
foot of the stairs, and listens.) Poor little kiddie! 
{She goes out C. E. to left.) 

(Bong turns off the living-room lights. Loud 
cries are heard from Tad upstairs.) 



48 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Tad {Running downstairs, clad in pajamas, cry- 
ing ) — Mommer-r-r ! Popper-r-r-r ! 

Bong — Shuh ! — Shuh ! — Shuh !— Aplil Fools' ! 
Aplil Fools'! {He takes Tad's hand.) You likee 
pie? Huh? You likee pie? — Aplil Fools'! 

{He leads Tad off C. E. toward R, Tad is 
howling as the Curtain falls.) 



ACT II 

Scene: Mrs. Perry's sitting-j-oom. The en- 
trances ate at center and right. The room is 
simply but cosily furnished. On the walls are 
a number of paintings and sketches, both 
framed and unframcd. Mrs. Perry is dis- 
covered sitting beside the table lamp, busily 
tatting. She is elderly, quiet, and sweet-look- 
ing. She glances at the clock. It strikes eight. 
She murmurs to herself, counting: ''One — ■ 
tku'o — three — four — five — loop, one — tw o — f 

three "' The door-bell rings, Mrs Perry 

answers. 
(Beatrice Allen enters C. E., excitedly, hur- 
riedly, followed by Mrs. Perry.) 

Mrs. Perry — Good-evening. What do you wish, 
please? 

Beatrice — Is this Mrs. Perry? Yes, I thought so. 
Mrs. Perry — Yes, I am Mrs. Perry. Do you 
wish to see my daughter? 

Beatrice — Yes, Mrs. Periy, I do wish to see your 
daughter, but first I would like to talk with you. 

Mrs. Perry {Sweetly polite, but a trifle haughty) 
— I don't know you, do I ? 

Beatrice — I beg your pardon ; I am Mrs. Allen, 
Mrs. Edward Allen, you know. 

Mrs. Perry — Oh, Mrs. Allen! Do sit down. 
49 



50 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Of course I have heard of you often. Isabel is so 
fond of your dear little boy. 

Beatrice (Shortly) — Yes, I believe so. (She 
sits. ) 

M?'s. Perry {Sits down in her forjner chair j and 
resumes her tatting) — Mr. Allen has been so kind 
to my Isabel. He and Mr. Finlayson 

Beatrice — Yes, I have heard of that too. In fact, 
it is just that I have come about. 

Mrs. Perry — I don't understand you, Mrs. Allen. 
Suppose we w^ait until Isabel comes, then we can 
talk it over. Do you tat? 

Beatrice — I wish to have a private talk with you 
before your daughter comes. Is she often as late 
as this. 

Mrs. Pei'ry — Yes, quite often. One — two — 
three — four — five — loop. One — two — three — four 
— five 

Beatrice — So I have heard. She seems to be a 
very industrious girl! 

Mi's. Perry — There's no one like my Isabel. She 
works faithfully at whatever she undertakes. 

Beatrice {Sneeringly) — Even if it makes her late 
for dinner, eh? 

Mrs. Perry — Yes; but I always keep her dinner 
nice and hot for her in the fireless cooker. 

Beatrice {Walking about) — Mrs. Perry, I have 
come here for your daughter's own good; to tell 
you things you ought to hear. 

Mrs. Perry {Nervously) — I wish Isabel would 
come! {Trying to be entertaining) Have you 
seen those nice, little crash face towels? I am 
making this tatting for one of them. 



ACT II 51 

Beatrice {Nonplussed) — Yes, I have seen them. 
I have made dozens of them. 

Mrs. Perry — They are so handy. I am making 
a set for Isabel. One — two — three — four — five — 
loop. One — two 

Beatrice — Mrs. Perry, you ought to know what 
your daughter's practices are. (Mrs. Perry is 
startled.) I hate to startle you, but what am I to 
do? Your Isabel has been coming day after day to 
study art — oh, yes, art! {She glances at the paint- 
ings on the walls.) Art, mind you, with Rodney 
Finlayson ! 

Mrs. Perry {With pride) — Yes, that's true. 

Beatrice — Well, how has she been spending that 
time? I want you to know! 

Mrs. Perry {Bewildered) — My dear! I don't 
know. I wish you would wait till Isabel comes. 
She could tell you what you want to know, I am 
sure. Is it about your little boy you wish to speak? 
I know you wish her to look out for him a little 
when you are away from home. 

Beatrice {Impatiently) — No, no! Though heaven 
knows what perfidy that child has heard! 

Mrs. Perry — One — two — three — four — five — 
loop. One — two — three 

Beatrice — You say your daughter is often late? 
Well, she stays to see my husband, Mrs. Perry — 
yes, my husband! 

Mrs. Perry {Becomes very dignified, and drops 
her tatting in her lap) — Your husband! Explain 
yourself, Mrs. Allen. 

Beati-ice — All these afternoons when she has been 
"quite late," as you say, she has loitered around the 



52 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

studio under pretense of painting, or looking after 
Tad, or copying letters for Rod Finlayson, and all 
the time it was my husband she was waiting for! 

Mrs. Perry — Mrs. Allen! {Rising solemnly) 
You are a wicked woman. {There is a sound of 
some one entering the hall.) I hear my daughter 
coming. {Going C. E.) Isabel — Isabel, come in, 
dear. We have a visitor. 

(Isabel and Parker enter C. E.) 

Isabel — Why, Mrs. Allen ! What an unexpected 
pleasure! {She offers her hand, which Mrs. Perry 
intercepts by stepping up and kissing Isabel.) Have 
you met Mr. Parker? Mrs. Allen — Mr. Parker. 
{They bow.) 

Parker — How are you, Mrs. Perry? {They 
shake hands while Beatrice and Isabel eye each 
other. Parker places his hat and overcoat aside.) 

Isabel — Mother has so often heard me speak of 
you, Mrs. Allen. 

Beatrice {Excitedly) — No doubt! It is time now 



U! 



to speak oi yo 

Isabel — Mrs. Allen! What has happened? {She 
is taking off her jacket; it catches somezuhere.) Syd, 
please help me with this. {As he helps her, the note 
which Allen has given her falls out of the pocket. 
She snatches at it; Parker picks it up. Isabel is 
confused.) That's — er — oh, give it to me, Syd! 

Beatrice {Quickly) — Kindly allow me to glance 
at that envelope, Mr. Parker. (Isabel demurs in- 
voluntarily.) Oh, you needn't be afraid. Miss 
Perry, I'm not going to open it! {She looks at the 
envelope in Parker's hand.) I thought so! My 
husband's handwriting, Mr. Parker. 

Parker — I must confess I don't understand what 



ACT II 53 

this is all about. Will one of you kindly explain? 

{He ffives Isabel the letter , which she places, in 
diffnified silence, in her jacket pocket, hastily re- 
moves her hat, and places both on a chair.) 

Mrs. Perry — Yes, please be good enough, Mrs. 
Allen. You began telling me something I cannot 
believe. 

Beatrice — Oh, no, nobody ever believes these 
things! Yet the newspapers are full of them! I 
never thought they would happen to me, though; 
oh, I never, never did! {Becoming hysterical) 
How can you stand there, Isabel Perry, and look 
me in the face? 

Isabel {Amazed) — Mrs. Allen! What do you 
mean ? Sydney ! 

(Parker tries to break in; he is worried about 
the note, but Beatrice continues.) 

Beatrice — This is what we women get for im- 
proving ourselves, and trying to make something of 
our lives. You — sweet, simple, little 

Mrs. Perry {Taking Isabel's hand)— Mrs. Al- 
len, I forbid you to address my daughter in that 
tone. Kindly carry on your conversation with me. 

Isabel — Mama, dear, I am quite able to talk. 

Beatrice — What I have to say concerns all of you. 

Mrs. Perry — I am waiting for you to tell me 
why you have come here to insult my daughter. 

Isabel — Mother dear! 

Mrs. Perry — Yes, insult. Oh, you don't know, 
mv dear, what she has been saying! Well, Mrs. 
Allen? 

Beatrice — I suppose you don't know. Miss Perry, 
that I am quite aware of your coming home late 
every evening — of your pretense of art — of your, 



54 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

well, just ask Mr. Finlayson what he thinks about 
it — or ask Mr. Allen — yes, just ask my husband! 

Isabel — I don't know what you mean. Did I 
neglect Tad? Has anything happened to him? 

Mrs. Perry — Hush, my dear; let me speak. Kind- 
ly make your story short, Mrs. Allen. I am wait- 
ing. 

Beatrice — My husband has had the effrontery 
this very evening to confess, no, not to confess, to 
brazenly proclaim, that you, you, Isabel Perry, are 
his choice for my successor ! 

Isabel {Gasping) — Mrs. Allen! 

Mrs. Perry — Oh! Why {Turninff indig- 
nantly to Parker) How dare you allow this 
woman to remain in the same room with Isabel? 
(Mrs. Perry begins to grow weak from agitation.) 

Isabel — Mother, Syd can do nothing. Let me 
manage this — this crazy woman. (Parker looks 
at her queerly.) What is the matter, Sydney? 

Parker — Isabel, this is certainly very strange. You 
are keeping something from me. 

Isabel — Sydney ! 

Parker — All the way home you have treated me 
queerly. 

Isabel — Why, Syd, surely you are mistaken 1 
(Mrs. Perry clutches her arm, and sways a little.) 
Mother, you are tired. You must come and lie 
down. {Guiding her to the door, R., Mrs. Perry 
protesting.) Perhaps Mrs. Allen and Mr. Parker 
can find a congenial topic of conversation until I 
return! {She delivers this sentence with mild sar- 
casm, and goes out with Mrs. Perry R.) 

Beatrice {Laughing wildly) — No doubt we can! 



ACT II 55 

Parker — This knocks me all out, Mrs. Allen. I 
don't know what to do or say. 

Beatrice — You may be thankful that you are not 
married to Isabel. Look at me — tied up irrevoca- 
bly! 

Parker — I cannot believe it — ^yet — when I think 
of her strange actions this evening, that letter, and 
little Tad's warning about a secret ! 

Beatrice — ^Ah, yes, that secret! They evidently 
have a secret understanding. 

Parker — It certainly looks like it. 

Beatrice — Tell me just what happened. Were 
you at the house? Were they together? 

Parker {Solemnly) — Yes. 

Beatrice — Alone ? 

Parker — Your little Tad was there. 

Beatrice — My innocent lamb ! Where was Rod 
Finlayson ? 

Parker — I don't know. There was no sign of 
him around. 

Beatrice — Well ? Go on ! Go on ! Did you 
notice anything unusual? 

Parker — Well, I must say that both your husband 
and Isabel seemed decidedly confused. My appear- 
ance on the scene evidently interrupted something. 

Beatrice — And the letter — the letter! What 
about that? 

Parker — I didn't attach any importance to the 
letter until she dropped it; but the glances they ex- 
changed when they bade each other good-by were 
enough to 

Beatrice — ^Yes! And Taddy, he knew about the 
letter — he told me about it. 



56 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Parker — And he warned me not to ask about the 
secret ! 

Beatrice — It's all as plain as day! Oh — oh — oh! 

(Isabel enters R. She stands looking at them.) 

Isabel— WelU 

Beatrice — We were just wondering "well," also! 

Isabel — Sydney! Surely you cannot believe any 
of this. 

Parker — Well, Isabel, you know It is very strange 
that you have not allowed me to announce our en- 
gagement. Then tonight it was plain to be seen 
that you and Mr. Allen had an understanding of 
some sort. Even little Tad 

Beatrice (Triumphantly) — ^Yes, deny that, if 
you can ! Children speak the truth ! 

Isabel — It is an old saying, yes, but you have left 
out part of it. (Sarcastically) Children repeat 
what they see without understanding; fools do the 
same. 

Beatrice — So I am a fool, am I ? I am beginning 
to think I am! Oh, how could I have been so 
dense ! No wonder Ned has been getting home be- 
fore me evening after evening, pretending I was 
late, and kicking up all sorts of a row, when all 
the time he was the one that was too early. Mr. 
Parker, what time was it when you arrived there? 

Parker — I really don't know. About six-thirty, 
I think. 

Isabel (With a pointed look at Beatrice) — It 
was nearer seven. 

Parker — Mr. Allen had evidently been home 
some time, and was enjoying himself hugely as far 
as I could see. 

Isabel (Much hurt) — Very well, Sydney, if you 



ACT II 57 

believe these things so easily, continue to believe 
them. Meanw^hile I'll bid you both good-evening. 
Perhaps Mrs. Allen vuill enlighten you as to all the 
particulars on the way home; I am not conversant 
w^ith them. Good-evening! 

{She starts out toward R. The doorbell rings, 
she answers, and ushers in Rodney Finlayson. 
He is slightly out of breath, but debonair, as 
usual. ) 

Isabel {As they enter) — Mr. Finlayson! 

Beatrice — Rodney ! 

(Parker looks his surprise.) 

Finlayson — I am sure you are surprised at this 
unexpected call, Miss Perry, but I am a little bit 
of a "henian," as Tad says, and 

Isabel— ''ntmTinr 

Finlayson — "Bohemian," is my pronunciation. 
Tad prefers the other. Hello, Bee, are you here? 
What a charming surprise ! And Parker too ! This 
is great. {He takes off his overcoat and lays it non- 
chalantly aside with his hat.) 

Isabel — Was there something you wanted me to 
do for you? 

Finlayson — Oh, no, no! Merely a social visit. 
I am a sociable being, as, no doubt you know. 

Isabel {Murmurs, not knowing what to do) — 
You are always very kind. 

Finlayson — Your mother is well, I hope. 

Isabel — Not very well this evening. {Glancing 
at the others) 

Finlayson — It was really solicitude for her that 
brought me. I was out, taking a little run around, 
so I dropped in to inquire. I suppose that is what 
Mrs. Allen came for, eh, Bee? 



58 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Beatrice {Self-consciously) — You are too absurd, 
Rodney. You know why I came. 

Isabel — Mrs. Allen ! Surely you 

Beatrice — I have accomplished my errand, and 
now if Mr. Parker will kindly call a taxi for me I 
shall not burden you with my society any longer. 
{She turns to Parker who assists her with her 
coat; she talking volubly.) 

Isabel — I have already said good-evening to you 
both. 

Finlayson {In a quick aside to Isabel) — Brace 
up! It's all a hoax. I started it. There's nothing 
to it. 

Isabel — You — what ? 

Finlayson — ^What day of the month is this? 

Isabel — The first of — oh, April Fools'! 

Finlayson — Yes, I started Bee off ; didn't think it 
would go so far. Shuh ! It will be all right. 
Sense of humor, you know ; sense of humor ! 

(Isabel, though still hurt at Parker, follows 
Finlayson's lead.) 

Beatrice {C. E.) — Good-evening. 

Parker {C. E.) — Good-evening. 

Isabel — Shall I see you later, Sydney? 

Parker {Stiffly) — I believe you dismissed me 
some time ago. 

Finlayson {Gaily) — By the way, I wonder what 
has become of Ned! He left home quite a while 
before I did, with one of his facetious remarks. He's 
always so apropos, is old Ned! I got an idea he 
was coming here. 

Beatrice — No doubt he was. Shall we go, Mr. 
Parker? {They go out C.E.) 



ACT II 59 

{There is a rtnff at the doorbell. Isabel starts 
toward C. E. Parker has reached the house door, 
and opens it. Edward Allen enters. He is in a 
towering rage. His voice is heard from the hall, 
before he appears.) 

Allen — Oh, there you are, Mrs. Allen ! I have 
come to take you home. 

Beatrice (Shrilly, in the hall) — Have you In- 
deed? Well, you might have spared yourself the 
trouble. 

Isabel {Looking out into the hall) — Oh, please, 
please ! 

(Allen, Beatrice and Parker appear C. E.) 

Parker {Haughtily) — I am about to escort Mrs. 
Allen home. 

Allen — Who are 5^ou, I should like to know, that 
you should escort my wife home? 

Parker — Who are you, I should like to know, 
that 

Finlayson {Holding up his hand, drawling) — 
Shuh — shuh! Come in, all of you. If you must 
fight it out, at least remember that you are ladies 
and gentlemen, and fight in the drawing-room where 
there is more floor space ! 

( They reluctantly enter, glowering at each other. 
Curiosity brings Beatrice.) 

Allen {To Finlayson) — ^What are you doing 
here? 

Finlayson — I might ask that of you. 

Allen — You didn't say that you were going out. 

Finlayson — You told me you were going to bed! 

Allen — So you meet Beatrice down here, do you? 

Finlayson {Amazed) — Eh? 



6o TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Allen — Just what I said. It's like your smooth- 
ness, getting me involved in a plot to cover your 
own underhand doings! 

Finlayson — Well, of all the ! Great Scott — 

what a mess! Will you listen to me? 

Allen {Shouting) — No, I won't listen to you! 
Beatrice, are you coming? What are you waiting 
for? 

Beatrice (Shrilly) — No, I'm not coming with 
you. What do you take me for? Why should I 
come with you? 

Allen — Why should you? I am your legal pro- 
tector, amn't I? Can you beat it? "Why should 
you ?" 

Beatrice — Where have you been all this time 
then? I've been here at least half an hour. You 
haven't been in much of a hurry. 

Allen — Could I help it if my taxi took the wheel 
oH another car, and delayed all the traffic on the 
street? Could I help that, I say? Oh, yes, of 
course I could ! There isn't anything that we men 
are not expected to do, from cooking a dinner to 
settling a traffic riot on Market Street ! 

Finlayson — My word, that's interesting! Isn't 
it queer how a man's wife is never with him in 
a taxi accident! What was her name, Ned? 

Allen {Blustej'inff) — B-r-r-r ! I've had just 

about enough from you. 

Finlayson — Yet I am the only person who can 
set you right on this. 

Allen (Sneering) — Sort of a Solomon, are you? 

Finlayson — Come to think of it, Solomon and I 
are kindred spirits. He was a hopelessly married 



ACT II 6i 

man too! {He sends a whimsical glance toward 
Beatrice. She is self-conscious.) 

Parker {Who has been trying to get in a word 
for some time) — There is no further reason for my 
remaining here. Good-evening, Mrs. Allen. If at 
any time I can be of any assistance just let me know. 

Beatrice — You are so kind ! 

(Parker goes out hurriedly, C. E., forgetting 
his overcoat. Beatrice and Allen continue to 
argue aside.) 

Isabel — Sydney ! 

Finlayson — Let him go. He'll be back tomorrow 
— if you want him ! 

Isabel {Indignantly) — Of course I want him! 
But, oh, I am inad at him ! 

Finlayson — Naturally no girl cares for a lover 
who isn't able to hold his own. 

Isabel — I do care for Syd. But he ought to have 
more faith in me. 

Finlayson — He'll be around tomorrow, as meek 
as a lamb, you'll see! I promise you I'll spend all 
day straightening this thing out. 

Allen — Once more, Mrs. Allen, are you coming? 

Beatrice — No — and stop calling me Mrs. Allen ! 

Allen — I'll call you exactly what I damn please! 

Beatrice {Beginning to cry) — O — o — oh! In 
all my life I've never been sworn at before ! 

Allen — It would have been better for you if you 
had! Damn, damn, damn, I say! 

Finlayson — Ned! Ned! Kindly remember that 
you are not in the sanctity of your own home! 

(Isabel approaches Allen protestingly. He 
calms down somewhat, and stands near C. E.. look- 



62 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

inff commandbigly at Beatrice. The telephone 
rings, Isabel answers.) 

Isabel {At telephofie) — Yes? — Who? — (Puz- 
zled) Yes, this is Mrs. Perry's house. — I don't 
understand you. (Hitting the phone) That's bet- 
ter. IVhofji did you say? — What car? — (Turning 
to the others) I can't make out what he says; he 
sounds Dutch. (To phone) You take car 21, yes, 
to get here. (To othe?^s) Good gracious! I'm 
giving a strange man directions how to get here ! — 
(To phone) Mrs. Who?— Mrs. Finlayson? (All 
start) — Oh, yes! To meet — Who is this, please? 
— Who? — Oh! — Very well. Good-by. (She hangs 
up, and turns in amazement to Finlayson.) It's 
Professor Staticmuller ! He is coming here to meet 
Mrs. Finlayson. Did you ever? He's lost. He'll 
be here in a few minutes. 

Finlayson — Well — what do you know about 
that? (He sinks into a chair in amazement. The 
others show their astonishmejit.) 

Beatrice — Professor Staticmuller ! 

Allen — That settles it! I wait here for that 
scoundrel ! (He takes off his overcoat and sits down 
to wait.) 

Beatrice (Looking at Finlayson) — I think I'll 
go! ^ 

Finlayson — Don't hurry away on my account. I 
seem to be here for awhile; my wife may need a 
chaperone ! 

Isabel (Spiritedly, with light sarcasm) — Please 
make yourselves at home! My duty as hostess 
seems to have been quite taken out of my hands. I 
think I shall leave you to manage the rest of this 
affair as you consider best. ( The door R. suddenly 



I ACT II 63 

op ens J Mrs. Perry^ in dressinff-gown and slippers, 
appears on the threshold.) Mama! (Isabel runs 
to her.) 

Mrs. Perry — Did you call me, darling? 

Isabel — Why, no, mama. Don't you think you'd 
better go back? (Mrs. Perry insists upon coming 
in. FiNLAYSON assists her to the couch.) This is 
Mr. Finlayson, mama. 

Mrs. Perry {Surveying them all) — Good-eve- 
ning, Mr. Finlayson. Where is Sydney? 

Isabel — He went away, mama. 

Mrs. Perry — And you let him go ? 

Isabel — Certainly. 

Finlayson {Innocently) — He is coming back to- 
morrow. 

Mrs. Perry {Looking at Allen, who has risen) 
— Who is this gentleman? 

Isabel — Excuse me, mama; this is Mr. Allen. 

Allen {Choking down his anger as best he can) 
— Good-evening, Mrs. Perry; pleased to meet you. 

Mrs. Perry — And I am particularly glad to meet 
you. Now, I advise you to take your wife home 
and have a little talk with her. She has been saying 
a great many things which are not true, and had 
much better be left unsaid. 

Finlayson — Few women show discretion in their 
selection of things to be left unsaid. 

Mrs. Perry — I think many of your sex have the 
same failing. {Yii<i-LAY?>ON is abashed.) Isabel, my 
tatting, please. 

Beatrice {Excitedly) — That is just what I think, 
Mrs. Perry! If you could have heard the things 
my husband said to me before I came here this eve- 
ning! No wonder I was half-distracted. 



64 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Alle7i — There you go again! If that crazy Dutch- 
man doesn't come soon, I'll go mad ! 

Mrs. Perry {With a calming gesture) — I am 
sorry to be inhospitable, but 

Isabel {Softly) — Mama! Don't you think you'd 
better go and get your dress on ? 

Mrs. Perry — My dear, there are other things 
more important than a suitable costume. My daugh- 
ter's good name is one of them. 

Finlayson {Overcome with contrition) — Mrs. 
Perry! What a confounded scoundrel I am! Let 
me explain how 

{The doorbell rings. All start.) 

Beatrice — Professor Staticmuller ! 

(Isabel answers the bell. Finlayson sinks back 
into his chair resignedly. Allen adopts a "just let 
me at him!" attitude. Parker enters C. E.) 

Finlayson — Oh ! Sooner than I expected ! 

Parker {Stiffly) — I forgot my overcoat. I am 
going out of town tomorrow, I shall probably need 
it. 

Isabel {Hafiding it to him) — Here it is. 

Mrs. Perry — Sydney! 

Parker — Yes, Mrs. Perry? 

Mrs. Perry — ^A pleasant trip to you ! Do you 
expect to be away long? 

Parker {Hesitating) — My plans are rather un- 
certain. Business — er 

Mrs. Perry {With quiet sarcasm) — I often think 
how convenient ''business" is! 

Finlayson — Mrs. Perry! Business a convenience! 
You are unkind. Business ! It is our cruel task- 
master; we are its slaves. 



ACT II 65 

(Allen grunts; Beatrice makes a hysterical 
sound.) 

Mrs. Perry (Calmly tatting) — One — two — three 

— four — five — loop . I never knew^ a man w^ho 

was its unwilling slave any more than I am to this 
tatting shuttle ! One — two — three — four — five — 
loop. I tat because I like to. You men engage in n/ 
business because it is a fine, big, interesting game. 
If you didn't like it you would all be planting beans 
and potatoes in your back yards, and raising pigs and 
other food for your families. 

Isabel — Mama ! 

Finlayson — Good! Back to the soil, I say! *'In 
the beginning" God planted a garden, and all those 
things you mention must have been in it, Mrs. 
Perry, although the historian doesn't so state. 

Allen ( Growling) — There's a whole lot in that 
Garden of Eden story that we poor ginks are left to 
find out for ourselves. 

M?'s. Perry (Politely) — I didn't hear you, Mr. 
Allen. 

Finlayson — ^Allen is something of a pessimist, 
Mrs. Perry. Don't let him worry you. 

(Allen subsides.) 

Mrs. Perry (Placidly) — Oh, I never allow 
trifles to worry me! One — two — three — four — 

five — loop. One — two And my opinion of 

the relation of men to their business is of many 
years' standing, so he and Sydney do not bother me 
in the least. One — two — three 

Parker — I'm afraid I differ from you, Mrs. 
Perry; but I have no arguments ready. Good- 
night. (He turns toward C. E.) 



66 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Beatrice — Oh, Mr. Parker, if you are going my 
way, may I go with you? 

Parker — Certainly, Mrs. Allen, with great pleas- 
ure. A little later I am going to drop in at the 
Indoor Yacht Club meeting. 

Allen — Great Scott! I forgot all about that 
meeting ! 

Beatrice — Earlier in the evening that meeting 
was of the greatest importance, Mr. Parker; but 
even more important matters seem to have come up 
since then. Shall we go? 

Parker {All confusion) — Certainly. 

(Allen starts after her,) 

Beatrice {Witheringly) — I believe you said you 
were anticipating meeting Professor Staticmuller. 
Don't let me take you away. Good-evening, every- 
body! {She and Parker go out C. E.) 

(Allen looks about distractedly, then decides to 
remain, and bounces down again in a chair L.) 

Finlayson — How things do work around after 
all ! Here we are, waiting as though it had all been 
prearranged, to meet the great apostle of freedom ! 

Mrs. Perry {To Isabel) — Who is this they are 
speaking of, dear? Are you expecting someone? 

Isabel — Oh, mama, it is most unexpected ! For 
some reason, I don't know what, Mrs. Finlayson 
has directed Professor Staticmuller to meet her 
here. I suppose they will be here at any moment. 

Finlayson — Great scheme of Jane's! Now we 
can plan that husbands' meeting! (Allen shifts 
impatiently.) Everything is working right to our 
hands, Ned. 

Allen {Growling) — I don't know what you are 
talking about. 



ACT II 67 

Mrs. Perry — Dear me ! Another strange gentle- 
man coming! 

Isabel {Meaningly) — Perhaps It would be better 
for you to — er — eh ? 

Mrs. Perry — Yes, indeed, I must put on my dress 
again. {She lays aside her tatting, and rises, with 
slight help from Isabel.) 

Isabel — Will you excuse us for a few minutes, 
please? If the doorbell rings would one of you 
gentlemen kindly answer it? 

F inlay son — With pleasure. 

(Allen nods abruptly. Mrs. Perry and Isabel 
go out R. The two men shift about for a tirne 
without looking at each other, then gradually fix 
one another with a long stare. Finlayson goes 
off into a silent paroxysm of laughter. Allen mut- 
ters angrily.) 

Finlayson {Breathless with laughter) — See here, 
Ned! 

Allen — Dry up! 

Finlayson — But man, you're a fool! What do 
you think you're doing? Don't you know that 

Allen — I know that I've had enough of your tom- 
foolery. 

Finlayson {Innocently) — I? Tomfoolery? 

Allen — Yes — you, you — you! 

{The doorbell rings; Allen starts up, then 
checks himself, looking at Finlayson.) 

Finlayson {Nonchalantly) — After you! Don't 
let me deprive you ! 

Allen {Savagely) — Open the door! If / do I'll 
kick him downstairs! 

(Finlayson. with mock haste, goes to the front 
door. A high-pitched foreign voice is heard.) 



68 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Voice — Mees Eesabel Perree? She lifs here? 

Finlayson — Yes. Good-evening. Walk right in. 

(Professor Staticmuller enters, followed by 
Finlayson. The Professor is tall and foreiffn- 
looking. One is not sure of his nationality. He 
may be German, he may be Polish. Most likely he 
is frojji Sweden. With rather pronounced, checked 
clothes he wears a soft, flowing necktie. His whis- 
kers are long and aggressive; his eyes mild, evi- 
dently cultivating a ''vision' of fifty years hence.) 

Professor S. — Ah, you are der broder off der 
young ladee, Miss Perree? 

Finlayson (Cheerfully) — Oh, no! Only a fam- 
ily friend. Allow me to buttle for you. 

Professors. (Puzzled)— Ehl Vat's dat? 

Finlayson — To buttle, to valet — hang it ! What 
is it a footman does? At any rate, let me take your 
hat and coat. ( Taking the Professor's coat) 

Professor S. — Oh, sairtainly, sairtainly! (Tak- 
ing off his overcoat) How you Americans make 
der jokes! I do not der humor alvays onderstand. 

Finlayson — No? Same here! (Rattling on) 
You have it then in your country. 

Professor S. — Haf vat, Mistair ? Pardon, 

I haf not your name. 

Finlayson — My name is Rodney Finlayson; yes, 
Finlayson is my humble patronymic. Allow me to 
introduce you to my friend, Allen. Mr. Allen, 
Professor Staticmuller. 

(Allen rises and nods forbiddingly.) 

Professor S. — How? You know my name al- 
ready? How comes dat? 

Finlayson — I happened to overhear Miss Perry 
say that she expected you this evening. 



ACT II 69 

Professor S. — So? (To Allen) I haf pleasure 
in meeting you, Mistair Alien. Your name, it 
sounds to me familiare. Vere can I it haf heard? 
Somewhere, I am sure. 

Allen (Forcibly) — And your name. Professor 
Staticmuller, is familiar to me, very familiar. I 
have been anxious to meet you. 

Professor S. — So? Den ve are veil met. (To 
Finlayson) And you, Mistair? Your name also 
I haf many times heard. Feen-lay-son ? Ah, I haf 
it! It iss dee Madame Feenlayson who so often 
to my classes comes, dat so charming ladee! Can it 
be you are der fortunate husband off dat ladee? 

Finlayson (Nodding meekly) — I am he! (He 
casts his eyes ecstatically heavenward.) Also, I am 
to have the honor, if you remember, of painting your 
portrait. 

Professor S. — But, of course ! How stupid am 
I ! But dere iss so much to remember, Mistair, so 
much! 

Finlayson — Yes, I imagine so; especially when 
one remembers both backwards and forwards, as 
you do ! 

Professor S. (Puzzled)— Eh? (To Allen) 
And you? Ah, now I know! Dee charming little 
blonde ladee who with Madame Feenlayson so 
often comes! How stupid am I! You are der 
husband off dat so intelligent ladee, yes? 

Allen (Gruffly) — My name is Edward Allen. 
Probably Mrs. Allen has attended some of your 
d — er — classes. As I said before, I have been wait- 
ing to meet you. 

Professor S. (Genially) — Ah, dat iss very agree- 
able ! Let us now make friends. I am already so 



70 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

much der friend off dee so charming vifes. {He 
seats himself, beaminff.) 

Allen {Menacingly) — It all amounts to this. I'm 
not talking about making friends. I want to know 
what business you have going about telling foolish 
women what they are to do fifty years hence ! Now 
is the time we've got to live, right here and now. 
While I am waiting for the next half century my 
meals are getting cold, and home is all going hang! 
{The Professor rises in consternationj his mild 
eyes gradually becoming angry.) It's Professor said 
this, and Professor said that, till I'm dead sick of 
the stuff. I've just been waiting to run into you to 
inform you that 

Finlayson {Stepping between them) — See here, 
Ned, see here! I must again remind you that you 
are not in your own home sanctum. You are in 
the house of two peace-loving, unprotected ladies 
who 

Professor S. — I do not onderstand dees, dees 
shentleman, Mistair Feenlayson. Vat does he mean? 

(Allen subsides, panting.) 

Finlayson — ^You must excuse his manner. When 
Ned becomes really interested in any subject he 
gets so excited that he forgets his manners. Now, 
he and I are interested ; why, we are absorbed, 
obsessed, by this wonderful new doctrine of yours! 
It takes us right off our feet. We're all upset this 
evening over it. That's the reason we're here. 

Professor S. — So? {He looks suspiciously at 
Allen.) 

Allen {Making a great effort to control him- 
self) — ^Yes, that's the reason we are here. I heard 
you were coming. I waited to meet you. 



ACT II 71 

Professor S. — I do not know vy I am here. Miss 
Perree, iss she not home? 

Fi?ilayson — Yes, oh, yes! She will be here in a 
moment. 

Professor S. — The so charming Madame Feen- 
layson, she haf invited me here to meet her. She 
haf not said dat you vere to be here. Perhaps it 
vas to surprise you dat 

Finlayson — Surprise ! Yes, that's it, a surprise all 
round ! 

Professor S. — I haf so much hoped a meeding 
for der shentlemens to arrange; der husbands oft 
dese so intelligent ladees. It iss not enough dat 
I gif to de?n der new ideas, it is necessary dat der 
mens also shall dem hear. 

Allen (Gruffly) — ^What are all these ideas? Why 
can't you tell them how to live right now ? 

F inlay soji — Yes, why jump us ahead at such a 
rate? Life is speedy enough as it is. 

Professor S. — Der Americain humor I do not 
onderstand qvick. Vat you mean — "speedy"? 

Finlayson — I mean I want to live riffht now; 
I don't want to live fifty years from now. 

Professor S. — Ah, now I onderstand! Dat iss 
vat der mens say, der — how you say? Der average 
mens, you call him. He stay here^ — (indicating 
a certain spot on the floor) — but dee ladees, ah 
Gott, dee ladees ! Dey go so fast ! I tell dem 
somedings, dey go — qvick — speedy! Dey believe — 
dey do! 

Finlayson — Yes, but the thing is, don't you see? 
the average man wants the average woman to re- 
main somewhere within shouting distance. What 
Mr. Allen means is, that if you speed the women 



72 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

up to such an extent, we'll soon lose sight of them 
altogether, understand ? 

Professor S. — Lose sight ? How you mean ? 

Finlayson (Indicating the sa?ne spot that the 
Professor did on the floor) — Well, here's the aver- 
age man; that's me — or w^e might even say it was 
Ned Allen ! 

Allen {Growling) — You can leave me out of it. 

Finlayson — Just as you say. Here's me, then, 
leading a nice, placid, comfortable life, unhampered 
by doubts or problems of the future, secure in the 
belief that Jane, although, of course, far above the 
average woman, is here beside me. 

Professor S. — Jane ? Vat iss Jane ? 

Finlayson — Jane is who, Meinherr Professor. 
Jane is Mrs. Feen — lay — son. 

Professor S. — Oh ! Pardon, Mr. Feenlayson ! 

Finlayson — Don't mention it! As I was saying, 
and more grammatically, here am I, and here also, 
presumably, is Jane. Suddenly I look up and dis- 
cover Jane away over yonder. {Indicating a dis- 
tant spot) I like existence right here — she likes 
it there. {Shrugging enquiringly) Now, what are 
you going to do about it? 

Professor S. — Vat vill / do, Mistair? Dat iss 
not der question. Vat vill you do? She vill call, 
you vill go qvick, speedy also! 

Finlayson {Lazily) — But I like it here, see? I 
love it I I'd rather call Jane back "qvick, speedy!" 

Professor S. {Smiling in a superior way) — ^You 
are truly der average mens, Mistair Feenlayson. 
{Turning to Allen) And you — you t'ink dees 
vay also? 

Allen — Yes, and your way is all foolishness, 



ACT II 73 

damned foolishness, do you hear? (Finlayson tries 
to restrain hiin without success.) You're going 
around breaking up homes with your cursed philoso- 
phy. {Indicating Finlayson) Why, here's my 
best friend 

(Isabel enters R. Allen subsides.) 

Finlayson — Miss Perry, allow me to introduce 
my friend, Professor Staticmuller. 

Isabel — I'm glad to meet you. Professor Static- 
muller. Won't you sit down? 

Professor S. {Bowing) — I am most happy, Mees 
Perree. 

(All sit.) 

Finlayson — The Professor says that Mrs. Finlay- 
son has an appointment here with him. Such a 
natural, friendly little arrangement of Jane's! It's 
just my good luck to be here ! 

Professor S. — Myself, I hope it iss aboud der 
meeding she plans for der shentlemens. 

Isabel {Nervously) — Yes, I think that must be 
it. Why not talk about it now, and have it all 
arranged before Mrs. Finlayson comes? It will be 
a nice surprise for her. 

Professor S. — It vill do me great pleasure to so 
arrange, if der shentlemens 

Finlayson — I think we'd better wait. I never 
like to interfere with any of Jane's plans. 

Professor^ S. — Ah, you see? Der very first step 
in der new regime — to interfere not ! 

Finlayson — But I never did. That's not new to 
me. 

Professor S. — Den you haf my compliments. Dat 
iss vone great step in der new vay. 

Finlayson — Oh, I like to keep step with the pro- 



74 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

cession as much as anybody, and listen to the music 
of the band, even if there is a lot of brass about it! 
The trouble is, no one ever notices me in the crowed ; 
I'm not spectacular enough. 

Allen {Gj-ozvling) — You can talk more nonsense 
in a minute than any fool I ever knew. Well, I 
don't seem to be advancing matters any toward that 
new period we're so much "obsessed" by, so I guess 

I'll go. 

Professor S. — I am sorry. I fear you do not 
my object comprehend. I 

Isabel {Going to Allen) — Mr. Allen, I am 
so sorry all this incomprehensible mistake has oc- 
curred. 

Allen — It's all a huge mess. Miss Perry. Why 
didn't you tell Sydney Parker right out about that 
note of recommendation? 

Isabel — Sydney needs punishing. He was too 
ready to suspect me. Why, it's the most absurd 
thing! I can hardly believe it of him. 

Allen — I can hardly believe it of anybody. 

Isabel — Please go home and have a good talk with 
Mrs. Allen, and clear it all up. Mr. Finlayson 
can help you, I am sure. 

Finlayson — Am I dismissed too? I have to wait 
for my wife. I can't see what she's doing all this 
time. I hope she's not holding up traffic! 

Isabel — I'd much rather you would stay until 
she comes. 

Professor S. — Trust Providence — she vill soon 
come. 

Finlayson — Oh, it's all well enough to trust 
Providence, but there's no sense in Jane's putting 
herself in a hole for Providence to pull her out of ! 



ACT II 75 

Allen — That's the first sane speech out of your 
mouth tonight. Women are always getting them- 
selves into holes, serenely banking on some mas- 
culine Providence to help them out! 

Isabel — Oh, Mr. Allen, vs^hat an ungallant 
speech ! 

Allen — Well, it's true, with few exceptions. Miss 
Perry. 

Professor S. — Dat iss vat ve discuss in dose so 
interesting meedings. Dee ladies, yes, yust now 
dey are so ovaircome mit der — der entousiasm, dey 
fall in dose holes of vich you truly speak. But 
dere vill come a change — fifty years hence 

{There is an UTiintelligible growl from Allen.) 

Isabel {Hastily) — Yes, yes, times are changing 
rapidly. Wc all feel it — we 

Finlayson {Solemnly) — It is for this reason we 
men must not hold back. We are delaying traffic, 
spiritual and mental traffic, just as surely as your 

taxi wheel, by its obstinacy in holding onto 

{He finishes with a cough, and goes into a paroxysm 
of silent laughter.) 

Allen — Oh, rot! I'm going, Miss Perry. I'm a 
bear — good-night. {He starts for C. E. A loud 
ring is heard at the front door.) Jane! 

Isabel — It must be Mrs. Finlayson. 

{She goes out C. E. and re-enters, showing in 
Jane. The latter is suave and cordial, talking with 
Isabel as she entefs.) 

Jane — Why, yes. Miss Perry, I knew you would 
pardon this liberty of arranging a meeting at your 
house. I felt sure you would understand. 

Isabel {With meaning) — Yes, indeed! There 
are several gentlemen waiting here to meet you ! 



76 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Jane — Several? {With pretended surprise) — 
Why, Rodney! Whatever in the world! Well, 
I never! {The Professor has risen ceremonious- 
ly.) It was terribly good of you to give me some 
of your precious time, Professor; I appreciate it, 
I assure you. {Shaking hands with him) Well, 
Ned, I suppose it was to be expected to find you 
here, but I am so dense, I — er 

Isabel {Haughtily) — I believe you have some de- 
tails to arrange with Professor Staticmuller about a 
meeting ? 

Jane — Yes, that is the object of my coming here. 
I V.new Miss Perry would be interested; am I right? 
( Cordially ) You have shown such aptitude in apply- 
ing the rules of life which the dear Professor has 
been instilling into us the last few months, that 
I 

Isabel — In what way have I ? 

Allen — Oh, Lord, now the women are off! 

Finlayson {Interrupting) — It was suggested that 
as several of the husbands supposedly interested in 
the proposed meeting were already providentially 
here, we might go ahead and arrange matters; but 
that would have been so contrary to the ways of 
our household, Jane, that I naturally felt a hesitancy 
about interfering with any of your plans. Incident- 
ally I received a good mark in the Professor's books. 
How about that, Professor? Do you work on the 
honor system? Will I get a picture card or some- 
thing before long, for credits? 

Professor S. {Utterly bewildered) — Eh? — So? 
Indeed, yes, my picture, I haf forgot! It iss indeed 
an honor! 

Jane — Don't be silly. Rod. May I sit down? 



ACT II 77 

Miss Perry, do pardon my being the cause of all 
this fuss! I never dreamed of anything more than 
a cozy little chat, just the three of us ! 

Isabel — Certainly, Mrs. Finlaj^son. May I take 
your coat? {,She takes Jane's coat and lays it 
aside.) Will you excuse me a moment? {She goes 
out R.) 

(All sit except Allen.) 

Allen — I'd like to state right here that I'm not 
in sympathy with any movement that causes scenes 
such as occurred at my house this evening; and as 
far as Mrs. Allen and I are concerned, there shall 
be no more interest taken in it. 

Jane — Speak for yourself, Ned ; let Beatrice settle 
her own affairs. 

Finlayson — Yes, don't hold up the traffic, Ned! 

Allen {Turning on him fiercely) — Her affairs are 
mine. 

Jane — Oh, I don't understand! I thought you 
had quite decided on a change. 

Finlayson — So he has, Jane; but under the present 
law, you know, until 

Allen — No such thing! You know perfectly 
well that you, with your damned foolishness, caused 
all this 

Finlayson — Tut, tut, man, calm yourself ! 

Jane — Remember Mrs. Perry! 

Professor S. {Bewildered, and becoming impa- 
tient at the delay) — Could ve not decide dat matter 
later, Madame, and arrange now our so important 
meeding? 

Jane — Yes, let us settle that first. If we do 
decide on the change discussed earlier in the evening, 
this meeting is very important, because you men 



78 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

must study the subject. Where and when, those are 
the first things to decide. Do sit down, Ned, and 
be quiet! {Curiosity holds Allen; he sits.) Let 
us have it as soon as possible. 

Finlayson — That's what I say. 

Jane — In a week or ten days at latest. I'll do a 
lot of telephoning, and I'll get some other women 
to help. I'd like to offer you the use of our, er — 
studio-living-room, but aside from its not being large 
enough to hold the crowd we hope to get together, 
there are other reasons. {Consciously) 

Professor S. — ^A hall vould be der best for der 
crowd. 

Finlayson — Oh, you expect a crowd, do you? 

Professor S. — Indeed yes ! Alvays dey crowd to 
der doors. 

Jane — I should say they do! They stand in 
line 

Allen — A sucker having been born every minute! 

Jane {With a withering glance) — And this being 
a husbands' meeting 

Finlayson — Is it to be strictly confined to legal 
escorts ? 

(Allen grunts.) 

Jane — I should be more accurate. Let us call 
it a men's meeting; that is, especially planned for 
men, although all the women will be there. 

Finlayson — All the women? Christopher! 

Jane — Oh, you know what I mean! And if we 
find we are going to have too big a crowd some of 
the women can stay at home; but we want all 
the men. 

Professor S. {Cojnplacently) — Yes, all der mens. 
But, you, dear ladee, you must be dere. 



ACT II 79 

Jane — Of course I shall have to be there, being, 
as it were, the manager. {The Professor bows 
gallantly.) Why, Professor, I was one of the very 
first in your classes here, wasn't I? I remember 
Mrs. Allen heard of you very soon after you ar- 
rived in town. 

Professor S. — It vas indeed my very great pleas- 
ure to so soon meet Madame. 

Jane — And now — just think! With the won- 
derful enlightenment you have given us we are 
able to face any emergency with advanced knowl- 
edge and courage. 

Finlayson {Beginning to be proud of Jane) — I 
wish you'd told me something about these meetings 
before, Jane. We might have worked together 
along these lines, instead of secretly, blindly, as it 
were. 

Jane — Very true, Rod; I wish I had. But we 
cannot turn back now; we must go on; isn't that so, 
Professor? {He agrees.) When we find out our 
mistakes we must immediately remedy them, if pos- 
sible. Let yesterday be forgotten — all is change, 
change, change! 

(Finlayson and Allen watch her with grow- 
ing astonishment.) 

Professor S. {Mechanically) — Indeed, yes! All 
iss change, change, change. 

Jane — And in that change, Professor, in the so- 
called upward march of the human race, you have 
shown us that the new man and the new wo- 
man are not now journeying along the same path, 
but 

Professor S. {Eagerly) — ^Yes, yes, it iss sOj I 
said! 



8o TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Jane {Slanting the tips of her fingers together) — 
They are climbing a mountain like this, on opposite 
sides, the majority of them. By and by they will 
meet again. Just now a few are journeying on 
together, like you and me, eh? seeing the new 
path, and trying to light the way for others! 

Professor S. — Ve now see der new vay, you and 
I. Indeed, yes, ve hold her light on high ! 

Jane {Striking a pose) — "Liberty lighting the 
world!" 

Professor S. (Forgetting all about Finlayson 
and Allen^ he approaches Jane, gesticulating as 
though on the lecture platform.) — Ah, dear ladee, 
you so lif vat iss my ideal ! Yes, noding but change! 
You are going on ahead, you, and // It iss dee 
voman who vill lead. In her hand she holds all 
der years to come. Der man, he vill come after. 
Some time she vill need him — den, she peeck him 
up! Ven she not need him she vill — she vill put 
him down ! He iss off small account in der grand 
scheme. She iss — how you say it? — der "whole 
show"! 

Jane — Oh, Professor, Professor! The respon- 
sibility will be too great. The majority are not 
ready to take up this wonderful life. 

Professor S. — Patience, my dear ladee ! Vid such 
as you to lead, many vill soon be ready. {He 
kisses her hand.) 

(Allen and Finlayson are filled with conster- 
nation. Mrs. Perry and Isabel enter R. Mrs. 
Perry is dressed as at first.) 

Isabel — Mother, this is Mrs. Finlayson. 

iMrs. Perry — I am glad to meet you, Mrs. Fin- 



\ 



ACT II 8 1 

layson. Of course I have often heard my daughter 
speak of you. 

Jane — Yes, Mrs. Perry; and I of you. May I 
introduce Professor Staticmuller? 

Professor S. {Bowing low over Mrs. Perry's 
hand) — It iss my great pleasure, Madame, to meet 
you. 

Mrs. Pe7*ry — Good-evening, Professor. You 
vv^on't mind my not pronouncing your name, w^ill 
you? I find foreign names very difficult to remem- 
ber. Where did I leave my tatting, Isabel? 

Professor S. — Sairtainly not, Madame. My 
name, it iss too long, I admit. 

Isabel — Here it is, mama. (Giving her mother 
the tatting) 

(Mrs. Perry sits on the couch.) 

Professor S. — Dat vill be vone of¥ der t'ings in 
der new life ve vill change — der too long vords, 
der too long names. Ve vill haf dem more short. 
It will make life more easy. 

Isabel — Mother will thank you for that, at least. 
Professor. It is very difficult for her to rem.ember 
names. {Turning to Jane) Well, have you come 
to any conclusion about your meeting? Couldn't I 
help you get out your notices? 

Finlayson (Aside to Allen) — She's a good sport. 
(Allen g?'unts.) 

Jane — Oh, I couldn't think of troubling you! 
Your time is full enough as it is. 

Isabel — I'll have my typewriter brought home to- 
morrow, so I shall be able to write some notices 
for you very easily. 

Jane — Have your typewriter brought home! 



82 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Why, what will Mr. Finlayson do without you? 
Rod, do you hear that? 

Finlayson — Yes, it's percolating. I hope Isabel 
doesn't mean that. 

Allen — See here, Miss Perry, I protest! 

Isabel — There is nothing else to be done after 
this evening's conversation. 

Mrs. Perry — I prefer that my daughter should 
discontinue the regular hours spent in your house- 
hold, Mr. — er— Mr. 

Isabel — Finlayson, mama. 

Mrs. Perry — Finlayson. She may take orders 
for work at home. One — two — three — four — five 
— loop. One^ — two 

(Allen shifts about uneasily.) 

Finlayson — But your art lessons, you must not 
give up those. 

(Isabel shrugs deprecatingly.) 

Mrs. Perry — My daughter will have something 
more important than art to consider in the next 
few months. One — two — three — four — five — loop. 
{Turning to the Proeessor) She is about to be 
married. 

Isabel — Mama! Professor Staticmuller is not in- 
terested in our affairs. 

Professor S. — Indeed yes ! Your affairs to me 
mean life. All iss off interest. It comes^ — it goes — 
all iss change. 

Mrs. Perry — I suppose the Professor is a. very 
busy man. My daughter tells me you are a lec- 
turer. One — two — three — four — five — loop. One 
— two — th ree 

Professor S. — Yes, Madame, dat iss my so humble 
occupation. 



ACT II 83 

Mrs. Perry — That must be very interesting. 
Have you any special topic? 

Professor S. — Madame, my subject comes at der 
time I speak. Anyt'ing and eferyt'ing iss my topeec. 
Today I say vone t'ing, tomorrow it iss all changed. 
Feefty years from now 

Finlayson {Saunterinff up to him) — That little 
word "change" appears to be the keynote of your 
whole subject, Professor. 

Jane — Shuh ! I'm sure the Professor is in a 
hurry, Rod ; and we haven't yet decided on the time 
and place. Suppose we say a week from Monday 
evening? {The Professor consults his note-book, 
arid nods.) There's never much going on, on a 
Monday. 

Mrs. Perry — When I was a girl we were always 
rather tired on a Monday evening somehow. One — 
two — three 

Finlayson — Sort of "pick-up day after Sunday," 
I suppose? 

Mrs. Perry {Pleased) — Yes, and then the wash- 
ing. 

Isabel — Mother, dear, times have changed since 
then. 

Finlayson — Changed indeed! {Descriptively) 
Nowadays a pair of silk stockings on the radiator, 
a pocket handkerchief or two on the window-pane — 
{airily) — there you are! The rest to Japan — or 
France ! 

Jane — Rodney! I wish you would keep quiet! 

Finlayson — My dear Jane, / didn't begin it. 
{He continues talking with Mrs. Perry.) 

Professor S. {Bewildered) — Yes, all — all iss 
change. 



84 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Allen {Aside to Jane) — Say, can't that chump 
say anything else ? 

Jane — You and Rod are both so impatient. 
You're in great need of the chastening influence 
of this very meeting we are planning. 

Allen — Then, for heaven's sake, get it planned ! 

Jane — One week from Monday, then. Professor. 
And about the place, I don't believe the present 
hall will be large enough, do you? 

Professor S. — I fear not indeed. 

Jane — I shall just have to go about and look 
at a few halls, because on such short notice we may 
have trouble finding one. {They continue aside.) 

Allen {To Isabel, indicating Jane and the 
Professor) — Believe 7ne, this sort of thing won't 
get any help from me. Now, once more, I'm going. 
Don't stop me! 

Isabel {Teasing) — To the important meeting? 

Allen {Gruffly) — Yes. I've missed the direc- 
tors' meeting, but I guess I'd better put in an ap- 
pearance at the rest of it. Good-night, folks. Mrs. 
Perry, I 

Jane — Oh, wait a minute Ned, it's all arranged! 
I'm going now with Professor StaticmuUer down 
to the hall. My choice is made, but I must make 
some arrangements. 

Professor S. — Yes, the choice of Madame Feen- 
laj^son iss made. {Bowing to Mrs. Perry and 
Isabel) Ladees, I salute you. My very good- 
night. 

Mrs. Pe?-ry\r^ i • i , 
T , T ^Good-night. 

Isabel J 

Finlayson — I hope you've made a good choice of 



ACT II 85 

a hall. Those draughty old seance places don't ap- 
peal to me. 

Jane — Our choice is alwa5^s a wise one, isn't it, 
Professor? {Holding out her coat for him to assist 
her) 

Professor S. (Assisting her) — Indeed, yes, Ma- 
dame. Your choice is mine. {He bows elabor- 
ately.) 

Jane — In matters more important than halls, is 
it not ? 

Professor S. {Floridly) — In all matters, Ma- 
dame. {Holding open the door) After you, 
Madame. 

Jane — No, I believe your overcoat is in the hall. 
Will you get it? I w^ill follow. Please hurry! 
{He goes out C. E.) One last word, good people. 
{Addressing Finlayson and Allen pointedly) 
"All is change, change, change," as my dear Pro- 
fessor says. {Quoting gaily) "I hold the future 
in my hand. I lead, he will follow!" Perhaps it 
will surprise j^ou, but because I am the last of our 
quartette to divulge my plans, is no reason that I 
have not fully decided on them. {Looking out into 
the hall admiringly, then at Finlayson) The 
Professor, apostle of the new era, is my next choice! 
{Carelessly) I'll be home in an hour or so to talk 
it over. Good-by nov/. Ready, Professor? {She 
goes out J smiling.) 

{The front door is heard to close. The Two 
Men look at each other, aghast. Isabel and Mrs. 
Perry are bewildered. Finlayson starts toward 
C. E. Allen looks at him, then dashes out into 
the hall. Isabel goes to the door C. then looks 
hack at Finlayson.) 



86 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Isabel — What did she mean? 

F inlay son {All his gay humor gone) — God 
knows ! 

Allen {Heard shouting from the front door) — 
Jane ! — Jane ! 

Finlayson {Going to C. E.) — Ned! Quit that! 
You won't do any good with all that noise. You'll 
have an officer here. 

Allen {Returning excitedly) — Well, what's the 
matter with the world anyhow! Everything has 
gone wrong from the minute I entered my own 
door tonight. 

Isabel {Gravely) — I think it began to go wrong 
earlier than that. 

Mrs. Perry — I don't know what you are all talk- 
ing about. One — two — three — four — five — loop. 
One — two — three 

(Finlayson is co?npletely dazed. He sits L.) 

Allen — It's a rotten world, Mrs. Perry, if you'll 
excuse my English ! See here. Fin, old man, that's 
all just a nightmare. {Jerking his thmnb toward 
C. E.) That can't be real, you know. 

Finlayson — Then I wish you'd waken me. {Ris- 
ing and staggering slightly) I must go after her. 
(Allen catches hold of him.) Here, let me go, 
Ned! 

Allen — If anybody goes, I do ! You weren't born 
to fight. Fin. If there's any smashing to be done, 
let me tend to it! 

Isabel — Couldn't it be — don't you think it's all 
a joke? 

Fifilayson — No, Jane's too serious for that. I 
never knew her to jest about such matters. That 



ACT II 87 

scoundrel has turned her head. But Jane — Jane! 
And that — er — that — {Sjiiitinff his chest) Do 
I — I — seem to you the inferior of that — that — Oh, 
Christopher! {He sinks baclz in his chair.) 

Airs. Perry {Going to him hurriedly) — I'm 
afraid you are ill, Mr. — er ? 

Finlayson {Smiling ruefully up at her) — FooU 
ingson, Mrs. Perry, Did you ever see a double* 
dyed idiot? Here's one! 

Mrs. Perry — Oh, I'm sure you underrate your- 
self, Mr. Foo 

Isabel — Finlayson, mama. 

Mrs. Perry — Perhaps a little of your hot coffee, 
Isabel, might be good for him. 

Isabel— Yts, shall I ? 

Allen — Take some. Fin. 

Finlayson — Nonsense! I'm all right. Thanks 
just the same. I'll toddle along in a few minutes 
and be ready for them when they come home. 

{The telephone rings; Isabel answers.) 

Isabel {At phone) — Hello! — Yes, this is Oak 
1259 — What? — ^Why, yes, bring her right up here 
again. — Oh, I'm so sorry! Good-by. {She hangs 
up.) Another mishap! That was Sydney. He 
says Mrs. Allen has turned her ankle, and is in 
great pain. He thought he would better bring her 
back here; it's nearer than going home. 

Allen — Damn! {He goes out C. E.) 

Finlayson {Listlessly, still lying back in his 
chair) — I suppose she got into one of those "Provi- 
dential holes!" Where are they? 

Isabel — Just down at the corner. They've been 
a long time getting there! 



88 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Finlayson — Weil, of all the chumps, we're the 
limit ! Coming here and upsetting your peaceful 
home like this! 

Mrs. Perry {Reseating herself on the couch) — 
Oh, don't worry about that ! Isabel, you'd better 
look up some bandages, and see if we have some 
liniment. 

Isabel — Yes, indeed. {She goes out R.) 

Finlayson — Ned shouldn't bring her in here. He 
should get her into a taxi and take her right home, 
or into the nearest drug-store; but when Ned loses 
his head there's no telling what he will do. 

Mrs. Perry {Philosophically) — They are all 
about alike, I find ! 

Finlayson — Same old Adam, eh, Mrs. Perry, 
whether this fifty years or next? 

Mrs. Perry — Yes. Besides, there are no taxis, 
or drug-stores, either, in this immediate neighbor- 
hood. One — two — three — four — five — loop. One 

— two — three Oh, dear me! I've knotted my 

thread! {She becomes absorbed in disentangling 

it.) 

Finlayson — What a tragedy! 

(Isabel enters R. zvith bandages, cotton, lini- 
ment , et cetera.) 

Isabel — I haven't much on hand, and I'm not a 
trained nurse. Don't you think we'd better tele- 
phone for a doctor? 

Finlayson — No, indeed! I protest. We have al- 
ready disturbed you enough. I shall insist on Ned's 
taking her home as soon as we have made her com- 
fortable. If I hadn't been so dazed when the tele- 
phone call came I would have gone right off with 
Ned. 



ACT II 89 

Isabel {Timidly) — I wish I could do something 
for you, Mr. Finlayson. I — I — don't know what 
to say. 

Finlayson — Never mind, I know you're a good 
friend. I'm simply all in. I don't know what to 
think. 

Isabel — I'm sure there's a mistake somewhere, al- 
though — it certainly looked 

Finlayson {Forlornly) — Yes, it did! It strikes 
me all of a heap. I've taken things too much for 
granted ; this is my reward. 

Mrs. Perry {Who has been deep in the untying 
of the knot, but has succeeded) — One — two — three 
— four — five — loop. I don't understand why your 
wife left so hurriedly, Mr. Fin — Finlayson. 

Finlayson {Pacing up and down) — Neither do I, 
Mrs. Perry. 

Mrs. Perry — Young women are very independ- 
ent nowadays. I do not pretend to understand 
them. It was all so different when I was a girl. 
I fear I belong to another age. 

Isabel {At the table, making the cotton into little 
pads) — Now you have mother started on her fa- 
vorite topic, Mr. Finlayson. {There is a ring at 
the doorbell.) Here they are! 

Finlayson — Let me go. {He goes out C. E. 
Sevei'al persons are heard to enter the hall. Fin- 
layson and Allen come in, supporting Beatrice, 
who is moaning.) 

Mrs. Perry — Put her right here on the couch. 
There — there! I'm sure it hurts very much. 

Beatrice — Oh! — Ouch! Boys, walk slower! 
Ouch! Ned, dont! Can't you see you're killing 
me? 



go TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Allen {Much troubled) — Yes, deary. There 
now — there you are! 

(Beatrice sinks down on the couch.) 

Finlayson — Brace up, Bee. It may not be so 
bad. 

Beatrice {Clutching his hand^ and holding it) — 
Oh, Rodney! 

Finlayson {Very uncomfortable) — It's all right, 
Bee; it's all right. 

Beatrice — No it isn't. Oh — Oh — everything's 
all wrong! 

Finlayson — I agree with you, but howling doesn't 
help matters. Seems to be a habit in your family, 
to shriek over everything. 

Beatrice — I'll — I'll try not to — if you ask me 
not to! 

Allen {Twning away abruptly, to Isabel) — 
May I use your phone? 

Isabel — Certainly. 

Mrs. Perry {At back of couch, holding Bea- 
trice's hand) — Come Isabel, loosen her shoe. That 
will relieve her. 

(Isabel starts to comply.) 

Allen {At the telephone) — Hello! — Give me 
Pine 3258 — Hello! Taxi cabs? Send me a machine 
right away. To — er — {To Isabel) Say, what's 
the number here? 

(Isabel hastens to hi?n; their voices drop.) 

Beatrice {To Mrs. Perry) — Oh, make them 
both stay away ! I just want you and Rodney ! 

Mrs. Perry — ^Why, my dear, surely your hus- 
band is the proper person to 

Finlayson {Quietly, beginning to unlace one of 
Beatrice's shoes) — Here's where I shine as a shoe 



ACT II 91 

expert. Ahem ! These are too close a fit, Madame. 
Now, if you had come to me in the first place — I 
would have recommended a longer shoe, and pos- 
sibly one a trifle wider. 

Mrs. Perry — Why, I thought you were an ar- 
tist, Mr. Finlayson! 

Fiiilayson — Does anything make you doubt it, 
Mrs. Perry? 

Mrs. Perry — I'm sure you talk just like a shoe- 
clerk. 

Isabel {Inclined to laugh) — Mama! 

Allen {Determinedly pushing Finlayson aside) 
— Sorry to disturb you. Fin, but this is my job. 
{From now on surprise helps Beatrice to forget 
her ankle, which is not badly sprained after all. 
Allen removes her shoe.) Good Lord, these high- 
heeled freaks! No wonder they threw you. 

Beatrice — Ouch ! 

Airs. Perry — There — there! Isabel, run and get 
my salts off the bureau. 

(Isabel goes out R. and returns with the salts.) 

Allen — We're not going to put these people to 
any more trouble than we can help. Just let me 
have some of that cloth — bandage, whatever you 
call it. Miss Perry. We'll wrap it around this in- 
jured member to keep it warm, and wait till we 
get home to fix it up. 

Isabel — I have liniment right here, Mr. Allen. 

Allen — You're very good, but we've already 
bothered you enough. 

Finlayson — This is one of the moments which 
puts one's sense of humor to the test. 

(Isabel is overcome with half -hysterical gig- 
gling.) 



92 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Beatrice — What's the matter? {Looking about 
vaguely) Where is Mr. Parker? Didn't he come 



m 



Allen {Shortly) — No! He suddenly remem- 
bered another engagement. He seemed only too 
glad to beat it. There now! {Tying the bandage 
with a flourish) That's all right. Feel pretty 
good now? 

Beatrice {Nods mournfully) — Yes, I — I — think 
so. 

Allen — Well, keep on thinking so, old lady! 
What's the matter with your think-tank? Start 
it working! 

Beatrice — It's all very well for you to talk when 
you're quite comfortable! 

Mrs. Perry — I don't understand how the accident 
happened. You were near here? 

Beatrice {Breathlessly) — Yes! We started to 
walk home, and — and we stopped over there in 
the park, and sat on a bench to talk things over. 

Finlayson — An extremely dangerous proceeding! 
Park benches are known to throw persons on the 
slightest provocation ! 

Beatrice {With a withering look) — We were 
talking, as I said, and — and — {with a defiant look 
at Allen) I was sitting on my foot, as I often do, 
and when I got up — oh, dear, there's another 
twinge! 

Allen — Well, if your Professor Statistician could 
eliminate that habit, I'd take off my hat to him! 

Beatrice {Half sobbing) — ^You're just as mean 
as you can be! {Squeezi?ig her damp handker- 
chief, and looking about for someone) Where is 
Jane? 



ACT II 93 

Mrs. Perry — Dear me, I must lend you a clean 
handkerchief! {She goes out hastily R.) 

Beatrice — If you would be so kind! — I said, 
where is Jane? I thought you expected her here. 

(All look at each other,) 

Allen — ^Jane? Oh, yes, she was here! 

Isabel — She's gone. 

Beatfice — Well, she was in a great hurry! 
{Looking from one to the other) What's the mat- 
ter? What makes you all so queer? You're 
keeping something from me. 

Allen— Wd\—Xht truth is— er, shall I tell her, 
Fin? 

Finlayson {With his back to thenij teetering back 
and forth) — Oh, yes, spit it out! 

Allen {Excitedly, but careful, at the same time, 
of Beatrice's feelings) — She's gone off with that 
blooming Professor of yours. That's what she's 
done. 

Beatrice {Aghast) — Not ]^ntl—Janef 

Allen — Yes, Jane! She stood right there in 
that doorway, and told us he was her choice, not 
fifteen minutes ago. Now come along home ! 

Mrs. Perry {Entej'ing with a clean handker- 
chief) — Here's a nice, clean handkerchief for you, 
my dear, and I put just a dash of violet on it. 

Beatrice {Completely dazed) — Thank you — > 
Jane! 

Mi^s. Perry {Surprised, to the others) — She's a 
bit upset, a trifle hysterical, I suspect. You'd best 
get her to bed as soon as possible. 

{A taxi horn is heard outside.) 

Allen — There we are! Come along, Fin; give 
us a hand, will you? {They assist Beatrice. She 



94 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

is so overcome by surprise that pain seems to have 
left her.) Easy now! All right, Bee? {She nods.) 
Aren't you going to say good-night to these kind 
ladies? 

Beatrice {Faintly) — Good-night. Thank you. 

(Mrs. Perry and Isabel follow them to the 
door, C.) 

Mrs. Perry — Good-night. I do hope It isn't 
serious. 

Allen {Airily) — Oh, she'll be all right after a 
good night's sleep ! 

Beatrice {Indignantly) — Ouch! Oh, do be care- 
ful, Ned! I'm sure I'm in for a siege. 

Allen {Abruptly) — A thousand thanks to you, 
ladies. Good-night. 

{fie picks Beatrice up in his arms and carries 
her out moaning.) 

Finlayson {Indicating the departing couple) — 
Between you and Providence you've pulled them 
out of a hole. 

Isabel {Holding out her hand to him) — Good- 
night. And don't forget the advice you gave me 
earlier in the evening, "sense of humor, you know; 
sense of humor!" 

Finlayson {Shaking her hand) — I need it! Good- 
night. {He goes out C. E.) 

(Isabel follows him into the hall. The outer 
door is heard to close. Mrs. Perry goes out C. 
to right.) 

Isabel {Re-entering, goes slowly to the couch, 
and sits, looking reflectively into space, ??iurmurs) 
— "A sense of humor?" Is it worth it? "A sense 
of humor?" 



ACT II 95 

(Mrs. Perry enters C. carrying a small tray 
holdinff Isabel's dinner.) 

Mrs. Perry — Here's your dinner, dear. 

Isabel {Spi'inffijig up) — Oh mother, why will 
you spoil me so? {She brings a tiny table j places 
it near the couch; Mrs. Perry puts the tray upon 
it. They sit.) 

Mrs. Perry — Well, I'd like to know who would 
If I didn't! (Isabel slowly begins to eat. Mrs. 
Perry resumes her tatting.) One — two — three — 
four — five — loop. One — two — three 

Isabel {Impulsively) — Oh, mother dear! If 
that Is marriage, I don't think I'll try It! 

{They are in each others arms as the Curtain 
falls.) 



ACT III 

Scene: The same as Act i, ten minutes later. 
Tad is discovered curled up on the couch K., 
asleep. He is barefoot, and in pajamas. Every 
now and then a sob escapes him. Beside him 
on the couch are a woman's nightgown, a 
mans suit of pajamas, some books, newspa- 
pers, sticks, stones, several bricks and other 
miscellaneous articles which he has evidently 
gathered together. Bong is seen to go up- 
stair, then descend again rapidly, enter the 
living-room, look about. When he sees Tad 
he gives a gesture and grunt of relief. Tad 
is disturbed, wakens, and begins to cry.) 
Bong — ^Aw, what mailer you? You no cly. 
Tad — Mama ! Mommer-r-r-r ! 
Bong — She no home. She come soon. You come 
upstairs, allee same go bed. Your mama, she come 
soon. 

Tad — I'm co-o-old — boo-hoo! I want my daddy 
and my mommer-r-r! 

Bong — You stop cly. I get bad man after you, 
he kill you ! 

r^^— Oh, I'll be good, I'll be good ! 
Bong (Noticing the articles on the couch) — 
What you do? What for you bling all stones, 

sticks 

96 



ACT III 97 

Tad {Becojuinff interested) — Shuh ! You 
mustn't tell! I'm playing a game^ — it's a awful 
nice game. 

Bong — Aw, what you mean, garnet I throw 'em 
away — no good! {He begins to gather up the 
articles. ) 

Tad {Howling) — No — no! You leave them be! 
I want 'em. You stop, you bad old Bong! 

Bong — Aw, what mailer you? {Dropping the 
articles) What you want? 

Tad {Sobbing)— V\l—V\\ only be good— if 
you'll give me another piece of pie. 

Bong — ^Your mama, she say, no more pie. You 
ve'y bad boy. 

Tad — I will be bad ! — I will cry ! — I will have 
some pie! 

Bong {Relenting) — ^You be ve'y good boy, I 
give you some pie? 

Tad {With huge sobs) — ^Yes. 

Bong — AUight. I give you small piece pie. 

(Bong goes out C. Tad^ still sobbing, jumps off 
the couch, and laboriously ties knots in the sleeves 
of the pajama coat and the nightgown. Then he 
gathers up as many of the articles as he can carry, 
and hurries off with them L. into the Finlaysons' 
apartment. 

Bong re-enters with a slice of pie and a fork on 
a plate. He looks about for Tad.) 

Bong — Here, you Taddy-boy! Where you go? 
Taddy! Taddy! 

Tad {Running in L.) — Here I am! Where's 
my pie? {Jumping up on the couch, and seizing 
the pie) Oh, goody, goody! {He begins to de- 
vour the pie, holding it in his two hands.) 



98 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Bo7ig {Offerinff him the plate and fork) — Here 
— your mama, she like gen'leman. 

Tad — I ain't going to be no gemplum ; they don't 
have no fun. I'm a henian. 

Bon^ (Sadly) — Aw, I t'ink you ve'y bad boy. 
Bad man, he catch you, I t'ink. You go upstairs, 
go bed. 

Tad — Yes, I'm going soon; I'm very busy now. 
{Stuffing the last bit of pie) Have you got any 
more pie? 

Bong — What for you want? 

Tad {Evasively) — Oh, I don't want to eat any 
more! I don't like stomach-ache any more than 
5'ou do. I just thought — {confidentially) — say, 
Bong, do you know what's a apple-pie bed? 

5ow^— Bed? What bed? 

Tad — Apple-pie bed. Did you ever see one? 

Bong — Aw, I no know. What you talk? Allee 
same clazy boy. You go bed. 

Tad {Much worried) — Is the apple-pie bed a 
real one? 

Bong — Aw, yes, leal apple-pie! I got 'em for 
tomollow dinner, ve'y nice, two apple-pie. 

Tad {Alert)— Two pies? 

Bong — Yes, allee same one-two. Now j^ou go 
bed! 

Tad {Softly)— Goody \ Goody! {With a 
lordly gesture to Bong) Take away the plate and 
fork. Bong, old man; I'm soon going to bed, but I 
ain't sleepy now. 

(Bong reluctantly goes out C. with the plate and 
fork. Tad hurriedly puts some of the sticks and 
other articles under the couch, then starts off L. 
with the nightgown, pajamas, and the rest. The 



ACT III 99 

door-bell rings while he runs, causing him to trip 
and fall. He jumps up again, and goes out L. 

Bong anszvers the doorbell, and admits Bea- 
trice, FiNLAYSON and Allen. The two men sup- 
port Beatrice. They seat her on the couch while 
she gives forth various little moans and impatient 
sounds.) 

Allen — There, now you're all right, eh? 

Beatrice (Crossly) — I don't believe it's a bad 
sprain at all. It's just my nerves, all unstrung 
by what I've been through this evening. 

F inlay son — And it's all my fault, Bee. I hope 
you'll forgive my fool joke. 

Beatrice — Joke? — What joke? 

Allen — That's what I say! It didn't strike me 
as much of a joke. 

Finlayson — I guess a sense of humor can be over- 
cultivated. I think I'll drop it. 

Beatrice — I don't know what you're talking about 
— but 5/ou've been — queer, all evening! {Taking 
off her hat and coat, Allen assisting her) 

Finlayson — ^An over-cultivated sense of humor 
blinds one to the truth. Here I've gone along 
thinking life was a joke. Jane knows it isn't; she 
takes it seriously. Now see what she's done ! {He 
sits dejectedly by the studio table.) 

Beatrice — I can't believe it of Jane — Jane, of all 
people! Here I've gone placidly along, never sus- 
pecting a thing! 

Finlayson — Why should you? Suspicion disposes 
kings to tyranny, husbands to jealousy — and wives 
— heaven knows! 

Beatrice — But Jane is my friend. We've told 
each other everything lately — I don't see 



lOO TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Finlayson — I don't either! 

Beatrice — Don't what ? 

Finlayson — Don't see how you do It, you women ! 
It's true — you are living all over the century at 
once! 

Allen {Standing C. scratching his head per- 
plexedly) — About a century ago I came home In 
the devil of a hurry to get out to a meeting. Did 
I have any dinner? I can't remember. 

Beatrice — How can you stand there and talk 
about dinner, when poor Rod is In such dreadful 
trouble? 

Allen — Seems to me, only a short time ago, you 
thought you were in trouble too. 

Beatrice {Indignantly) — ^Whatever made you 
tell me such an awful, downright lie? 

Finlayson {Without changing his forlorn atti- 
tude) — Is one lie any downrighter than another? 

Beatrice — Yes, some are! 

Allen {Turning on him excitedly) — I tell you it 
wasn't a joke to me! It was an Infernal thing 
to do — and you see where It has landed us ! 

Finlayson — Where do you get that ''us"? 

Allen — Well, I guess it's been "us" all evening, 
hasn't It, until right now? Whose fault is it that 
your boomerang has come back with some speed, 
and floored you? 

(Tad is seen to peer out of door L. then hastily 
to shut it.) 

Beatrice — Ned Allen, there's no need of your 
adopting that high and mighty air. If you hadn't 
come In as cross as a bear, it never would have 
happened. We were all so happy! 

Allen — Well — can you beat that? Where were 



ACT III loi 

you, I'd like to know, when I did come home? 
Gadding about 

Fi?ilayson — I thought you'd settled all that in the 
machine, you two. {With a wide sweep of his 
ha?id) Now just forget it! — Where's Tad? 

Beatrice — Tad ? 

Finlayson — Yes, Tad! Why don't you give a 
little time and thought to the real things? 

Tad {Running hi) — Here I am! {^fie swings 
joyfully on Allen's arm.) 

Allen — Hullo, there! What are you doing 
down here, you monkey? 

Beatrice — Taddy! Whatever in the world? 

Tad {Running to his ??iother, noticing her foot) 
— Oh, mama! Deary! Deary! What's the matter 
with your poor footie? 

Allen — Mother twisted her ankle, Taddy-boy. 
You'd best go upstairs. Bee, and get it fixed up 
properly. As long as you won't have a doctor, get 
to bed and rest it anyway. 

Beatrice {Carelessly) — Oh, it's all right! I 
scarcely feel it at all. Taddy, mother's boy, what 
do you mean, staying down here so late? And 
bare feet? {Feeling them) And so cold! (Tad 
giggles.) I'm afraid you're very naughty! 

Tad — No, I'm not. Truly, mama ! I was zist 
as good! (Bong comes in C. E.) Wasn't I good, 
Bong? 

Bong {(Solemnly) — Taddy, he ve'y good boy. 
He just come li'l while. 

Tad — Mama, I'm not a bit tired. Couldn't I 
help Bong? A tiny, tiny bit? 

Beatrice — Bong is all through with his work by 
now, dear. You all finished, Bong? 



I02 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Bonff — L'il more. I mix bread. 

Tad — Oh, mama! Let me help. Please — 
please ! 

Beatrice — All right, if Bong is willing. 

Bonff {Imperturbably) — AUight. 

(Tad jumps up and down ecstatically.) 

Beatrice — Run upstairs first, and put on your 
warm slippers and bathrobe. 

Tad — Over my 'jamas, mama? 

Beatrice — Of course. Hurry! It's a wonder 
if you haven't caught your death of cold. 

Tad (Joyously) — An' make little biscuits in a 
little pan, mama? 

Beatrice — Yes, just this once, remember! Now 
run along. 

(Tad and Bong go out C. E., the former chat- 
tering excitedly about the "little biscuits in the 
little pan/' He runs upstairs, while Bong goes R.) 

Allen — Is the boy to stay up all night, Beatrice? 

Beatrice — *'A11 night!" How you exaggerate, 
Ned! 

Allen — I don't know what you call exaggeration. 
The child has already missed two good hours of 
his sleep. 

Beatrice — It won't hurt him for once. 

Finlayson — Have you ever noticed that word 
"exaggeration," Ned? It stands for something 
which when applied to us mere males is an appro- 
brious epithet. The prefix f-e turns the use of it 
gloriously into the superlative degree. 

Allen — No, I never have! 

Finlayson — It's one of the exceptions that gram- 
mar never attempted to explain. 

Allen — I never had any use for grammar. See 



ACT III 103 

here, man, what are you going to do? Don't sit 
there mooning over parts of speech. 

Finlayson — What can I do? I'm waiting for 
Jane. Seems to me, just after the universe tumbled, 
she said she was coming home in a little while to 
talk it over. 

Beatrice — So she did! And there's so much to 
talk over. {Lookiiiff about the room) Our furni- 
ture and everything has got so mixed up. 

Finlayson — Furniture? What's that got to do 
with it? 

Allen — For heaven's sake. Bee, is that all you 
see in it? 

Beatrice — Of, course not; there's lots more, but 
you know perfectly well that I always have to say 
what comes into my mind first. 

Allen {beginning to untie one of his shoes) — 
Unfortunately, yes; that seems to be your system. 

(Tad runs downstairs and disappears R.) 

Finlayson — It's a good system; I wish I had it! 
So often what comes into my mind first is the 
very last thing I would say; so I tuck it away 
in some subconscious corner, and the world loses 
a valuable truth. That's what I like about Bee. 
(Beatrice^ self-conscious.) She never tucks any- 
thing away. Now, if she thinks it's all a matter 
of furniture and other material things between 
Jane and me, why shouldn't she say so and be 
done with it? 

Beatrice (Protesting) — I never thought so at all. 
Rod! Until you said that — er — queer, queer thing 
to me tonight, I've always thought how perfectly 
lovely you were to Jane. I'm forever telling Ned 
about it. 



I04 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Allen {Growling) — Yes; which has the natural 
tendency to make me love him with the passionate 
ardor of a brother! 

Finlayson {With a-'ushinff satire) — ^You over- 
whelm me. It seems my fatal mission to break up 
families ! 

Allen {Fidgeting with his shoes) — Hang it, these 
shoes are about killing me! Wait a minute, you 
tv/o, while I run upstairs and get my slippers. Shall 
I bring yours. Bee? 

Beatrice — Yes, please. I'm surprised at your 
shoes hurting you ! Would you like me to mention 
the fact to the Professor when he takes up the 
matter of my heels? (Allen glares his indigna- 
tion; she continues placidly.) It would be a good 
idea to get these things off. {Beginning to unlace 
her other shoe.) 

(Allen goes upstairs.) 

Finlaysofi {Hesitating, then approaching Bea- 
trice with his shoe-clerk manner) — May I help 
you, Madame? 

Beatiice — Please do. 

Finlayson {Unlacing her shoe) — Please forget 
that "queer, queer thing" I said, will you, Beatrice? 

Beatrice {Self-consciously) — Of course, Rod- 
ney! I shall never think of it again. I'll spend 
all my efforts in reconciling you and Jane. {Senti- 
mentally) That will be my martyrdom! 

Finlayson {Amazed that she has taken him seri- 
ously, finds it difficult to explain) — ^Well, you know 
it was the one time in my life, I think, that I 
adopted your system, and said the first thing that 
came into my head. Of course, if — er — that is 

Beatrice — I think my system is a very good one. 



ACT III 105 

{Virtuously) It would be better if more people 
adopted it. There would be more truth in the 
world. 

Finlayson — Don't you think that simple inven- 
tion of the devil's, otherwise lies, would pop out 
of some people's mouths instead of truths? 

Beatrice — Maybe! But not out of your mouth, 
Fin ! I have always regarded you as the soul of 
honor. I'm sure I've always told Ned 

Finlayson — Spare my chaste soul and my blushes! 
Let's forget it! I can put it all very easily behind 
me if you will ! 

Beatrice — Shuh! Ned is coming. I'd perfectly 
hate to hurt his feelings! 

(Allen comes down bringiiig the slippers, Fin- 
layson rises, and puts Beatrice's shoe beside the 
other on the couch.) 

Allen — Shall we leave on the bandage awhile? 

Beatrice — Yes; just put on my one slipper. All 
right; thank you, Ned. Why, you're quite atten- 
tive! 

Allen — Humph ! Maybe my lessons are sinking 
in. {To Finlayson) Well, you ought to de- 
cide on some plan to confront Jane with when she 
returns to talk things over. How about it? 

(Tad is seen to steal softly past C. E. carefully 
carrying two pies, one of which he conceals behind 
the portiere, the other he carries upstairs.) 

Finlayson — Seems to me, I've done about enough 
planning this evening. I'll wait and hear what Jane 
has to say. I never knew her to go off on an 
impulse. 

Allen — Well you beat me, with your grammar 
and your impulses! 



io6 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Finlayson — It's all a matter of how you decide 
to live your life. I thought ours was all decided. 
I thought I was living Jane's way. It was good 
enough for me when I got used to it, but it turns 
out that it wasn't what she wanted at all, so now 
I'm going to wait and hear what she has to say. 

Allen — I wish she'd get a move on then! 

Finlayson — Now that I have been shaken out of 
my groove I'm not going to be dropped back again. 
I don't believe that wise old guy who said once 
that "all novelty is but oblivion." I object to 
that "oblivion" stuff. I'm going to remain in the 
foreground of this affair. 

Allen — Now you're talking! 

Finlayson — Hang it, I don't know just what I do 
mean ! But she's going to see me when she comes 
in! I'll be right here, "center stage"! 

{The telephone rings. All start.) 

Beatrice — That may be Jane! 

Allen {Answering) — Yes? Hello! — Yes, yes, 
this is Allen speaking. — Why, certainly — I hate 
to have you take that trouble. — Can't I send them 
round? — Oh, very well, if you insist! — Good-by. 
{Hangs up.) Isabel Perry says she's coming round 
in a taxi to get her typewriter and other belong- 
ings this evening. Now, isn't that a darned shame? 

Beat?'ice — Perhaps, as things are, it's just as 
well! 

Allen — As things are, it's a damned shame, / 
say! 

Beatrice {Haughtily) — Well, Ned, if you will 
be profane, I think I'll go upstairs. 

Finlayson — And not wait for Jane? 



ACT III 107 

Beatrice — Why? Do you wish me to? What 
can / do? 

Finlayson — I'd be glad to have you stay. 

Beatrice — Very well. But — I must see where 
Tad is and send him to bed. 

Allen — Let me go. 

Beatrice — I can go perfectly well, thank you. I 
must speak to Bong about breakfast. {She rises, 
Allen assisting her, and helping her toward C. E.) 
I'm all right, Ned; you needn't come with me. 

Allen {Coming back) — Just as you say! 

(Beatrice goes out C. E. to right. The two 
men stand in front of the mantel. Allen offers 
Finlayson a cigar which he accepts. They smoke, 
apparently forgetting their cares, as men do. Dur- 
ing the ensuing dialogue Tad steals down the 
stairs, peeps in C. E., takes the pie from behind the 
portiere, assures himself that the two men are pay- 
ing no attention to him, and runs softly down L. 
into the Finlaysons' apartment.) 

Finlayson {Pufjing meditatively) — It's a queer 
old world, Ned. I'm inclined to think that the 
crazy Dutch Professor is right, although he doesn't 
know it! He hasn't got brains enough! 

Allen — If I were in your boots at the present 
moment I'd be scattering what few brains he has 
on the nearest pavement ! 

Finlayson — Oh, no you wouldn't! What good 
would that do? Only make things unpleasant for 
the passers-by. He's got hold of a few catch 
phrases that please the women, and he's making 
money out of them. You and I could have used, 
not only those phrases, but also the things they 



io8 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

stand for. "Change?" Yes, "nothing but change," 
he says, but that doesn't mean arbitrary change, it 
means voluntary. Freedom and change have been 
my watchwords; only, as I said earlier in the eve- 
ning, I'm not spectacular enough; nobody pays any 
attention to me because I don't hire a hall and ad- 
vertise that I'm from Boston! 

Allen — That's the reason I believe in smashing 
things once in awhile. Just plain smash! It makes 
them notice you. 

Finlayson — That's the quickest way, of course; 
only sometimes, in your haste, you smash the wrong 
person. My way isn't so "qvick, speedy," but it's 
pretty sure to win out in the end. 

(Tad steals in from L. and hides under the 
couch.) 

Allen — Well, I don't have time to reason out 
all this dope. I tell you when a man's chained to 
his office desk for ten hours a day he doesn't have 
much time for 

(Beatrice comes in hastily, limping,) 

Beatrice — Have you seen Tad? 

Tad {Under the couch) — Yoo-whoo ! — Tweet! 
Tweet ! Yoo-whoo ! 

Beatrice — Dear me! I hear a little bird under 
the couch! 

Tad (Crawling out, and ecstatically jumping at 
his mother) — Oh, mama, it's so nice when you're 
home! 

Beatrice — Taddy ! Careful — careful ! 

Allen — See here, son, no rough-house! Remem- 
ber mama's foot! 

Beatrice — Now run away upstairs. Tad, and go 
to bed. Mother doesn't have to come. Just take 



ACT III 109 

off your bath-robe and slippers and jump into bed. 
Good-night, mother's boy. 

(Tad hugs his mother, and starts toward C. E.) 

Allen {With pretended injury) — Well I like 
this neglect! (Tad rushes to him and jumps into 
his arms, giving him a bear-hug.) Good-night, 
daddy. {Seeing Finlayson watching him, he 
jumps into his arms next.) Good-night, Uncle 
Rod. {Kissing him on the right cheek) And 
here's one for Aunt Jane. {Kissing him on the 
left cheek) 

Finlayson — Thank you, Taddy. Good-night. 

(Tad runs toward C. E.) 

Beatrice — Oh — Tad! {He turns.) Don't for- 
get to say your prayers. 

Tad — I did say 'em — twice! 

Beatrice — Twice ? 

Tad — Yes, once to Bong, and once to God. 
{Whining) I don't have to say 'em again, do I, 
mama? They know what I want. 

Beatrice {Choking) — Very well, Taddy; twice 
is enough. Run along! 

Tad {At C. E.) — I want a drink of water! 

Beatrice — Bong will take you a drink of water. 

Allen — Want daddy to bring it? 

Tad {In alarm) — Oh, no, no! You wait for 
mama. You have to help her. Come up soon, 
mammy ! 

Allen {Laughing) — All right. Good-night, old 
man. 

(Tad goes reluctantly upstairs.) 

Beatrice {Laughing) — Tell Bong to carry up a 
glass of water to your son, Ned. 

(Allen goes out C. E. to right.) 



no TRIAL MARRIAGE 

F'mlayson — There's not much chance for stagna- 
tion while Tad is around. 

Beatrice — I suppose I spoil him terribly — but 
what is one to do! 

{The doorbell rings. They look at each other 
questioningly.) 

Finlayson — I suppose I'd better answer that. {He 
goes out C. E. to left.) 

(Allen and Bong appear C. E. coming from 
the dining-room. Bong car?'ies a glass of water. 
Allen motions for him to take it upstairs. Allen 
remains C. E. Finlayson is heard talking to 
someone at the front door.) 

Allen {Cnlling) — Come in! Come in! 

Parker {Outside) — No thanks, I'd better not. 

Allen — I insist. I want to talk to you. 

Parker {Enters with Finlayson. The three 
slowly come into the room.) — I thought Mrs. Allen 
would need her purse which I was carrying for 
her in my pocket, so instead of phoning I brought 
it right around. {He hands Allen a small hand- 
bag. ) 

Allen — Beatrice, Mr. Parker has brought your 
purse. 

Beatrice — Oh, how good of you, Mr. Parker ! 
Why, I hadn't missed it! Do come in. 

Allen {As Parker still hesitates) — Yes, come in; 
there's something to talk about. 

Finlayson — Come in. The majority rules! 

Parker {Stiffly) — Very well, for a few minutes; 
although I can't see what good can be gained by 
talking. I hope your foot is feeling easier, Mrs. 
Allen. 

Beatrice — Thank you, I hardly feel it at all now. 



ACT III III 

Allen — Sit down. I just want to tell you that 
you're away off on the wrong tack. Fact is, you 
know, there's nothing to it. You've got the best 
girl — and — (Parker looks indignant.) — Hang it, 
Fin, this is your job! Talk to him. 

Finlayson {Shrug gin ff his shoulders) — ^When a 
man gets into Parker's state of mind mere words 
don't do much good. He wants to believe the 
worst. 

Parker — I'll be glad to hear what you have to 
say; not that I think it will change my attitude. 
Not in the slightest degree. 

Beatrice — You mustn't feel like that, Mr. Park- 
er. We are all subject to change, and 

Allen — Oh, Lord! Better let Fin do the talk- 
ing. Bee. {They sit.) He's an expert in that line. 

Finlayson — I'm in the position of the unfortunate 
person who was introduced by the gushing hostess 
as the funny-man of his community. Nothing could 
be more conducive to a free flow of wit and wis- 
dom! 

Allen — It's never any trouble for you to air your 
views. 

Beatrice — Oh, Ned! You're positively rude! 

Finlayson — "And rudeness must be met with 
rudeness." Dry up, Ned ! You gave me the chair. 
What I was going to say is this. Parker's in a 
state of mind when "seeing is believing," but he's 
seen the wrong things. Now, any minute Miss 
Perry may be here; and I propose that Mr. Parker 
just calmly sit in that big chair by the fire where 
he will remain unnoticed while we entertain Miss 
Perry in the studio. {Indicating the left side of 
the room) Thus he can 



112 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Parker — Do you mean I am to eavesdrop? (£;c- 
citedly.) 

Finlayson {Calmly) — Not at all, not at all! 
You can't help it if she doesn't notice you. Just 
at present you appear to have broken off diplomatic 
relations with Miss Perry, and as there will be 
several witnesses to her conversation there will be 
no secrecy. You have been rather poor at seeing, 
but you may hear something to your advantage. 
{The door-bell rings.) No doubt that is Miss 
Perry now. 

Beatrice {Excitedly) — It may be Jane! 

(Allen goes to the front door.) 

Finlayson — It doesn't much matter which ar- 
rives first. Here, Parker, sit down here, will you? 
Resign yourself to the court of arbitration! {He 
turns the chair with a high hack facing the fire, and 
Parker dejectedly does as he is told. The lights 
are subdued on that side of the room.) 

(Isabel comes in with Allen C. E. She looks 
doubtfully at Beatrice.) 

Beatrice — Come in. Miss Perry. I do wish you 
wouldn't take away your things! It was all my 
horrid temper that caused most of the trouble. 
Couldn't you forget it now and make friends? 
I'm terribly sorry. I'm sure your mother thinks 
I'm a perfect cat ! 

Isabel {Frankly) — Of course, I'll forget it, Mrs. 
Allen. Naturally you believed what was told you. 

Allen — It was the most idiotic nonsense I was 
ever mixed up in. {Looking from his wife to 
Isabel) The idea of my thinking you — that is, of 
course^ — I mean to the right man you are — {becom- 
ing hopelessly confused) 



ACT III 113 

Isabel {LaugJwig) — I know all you would say, 
Mr. Allen. No explanations are necessary — you 
have been too good a friend to me for that. {She 
and Beatrice laugh.) 

Finlayson — Then that settles it. Your type- 
writer, your easel — all the junk remains here, the 
same as usual, eh ? 

Isabel — You are all very kind to want me, but 
I think I'd better please my mother in this. I'll 
not be with her very much longer, you know. 
{Beginning to pack up her things) 

Beatrice — Oh, indeed? 

Isabel — She is very anxious to have me at home 
during the next few months. 

Finlayson — And then what? 

Isabel — I can take in work there, you see, just 
as well, and then — {Consciously, turning to 
Allen) — if plans work out as we thought earlier 
in the evening, you know I told you I would be 
married. 

(Parker starts up, then subsides.) 

Allen — You haven't changed your mind, then? 

Isabel — ^Well, this is a sort of clearing-up meet- 
ing, isn't it? I might as well be frank. I've 
changed my mind twice this evening! 

Finlayson — It's the great privilege of your sex. 

Isabel — An hour ago I was so angry with Syd 
that I never wanted to see him again. {Again 
Parker starts up, but controls himself. Beatrice 
saunters, humming, in line between his chair and 
Isabel.) Half an hour ago I told mama I'd stay 
with her forever! Then these last few minutes 
I've thought how perfectly ridiculous and childish 
it is to allow a slight misunderstanding over noth- 



114 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

ing at all to spoil our whole lives. We must be 
cured of such nonsense! 

Allen (Glancing at Beatrice) — Sensible girl! 

Finlayson — Fine ! 

Allen — Have you that letter of recommendation 
with you that I gave you awhile ago? 

Isabel {Producing it) — Yes. 

Allen — ^Would you mind if I sent it to him 
myself? 

Isabel — Oh, no, not at all ! The pleasure is gone 
now in the birthday present. 

Beatrice — Whose birthday? 

Allen — Shuh! {To Finlayson) Give it to 
him. {Motioning toward Parker) 

Finlayson {Taking the letter from Allen) — • 
Um-hm ! 

Beatrice — So you expect to be married this sum- 
mer? 

Isabel — Yes, If Sydney makes good in his new 
position. 

(Parker springs up, and is confronted by Fin- 
layson. Isabel looks indignantly at Allen and 
the others, but is reassured by Allen.) 

Allen — Don't be angry! This is part of the cure. 

Finlayson — Mr. Parker, earlier in the evening 
this ^'billet doux" was entrusted to a charming 
messenger to deliver to you, but a series of mishaps 
befell it. Now it has come into my hands, and 
before it causes any further trouble I think you 
would better take possession of It. 

Parker {faking the letter) — But this is ad- 
dressed to Miss Perry. 

Finlayson — Probably you will find that it has a 
double envelope. 



ACT III 115 

Parker {Opening the letter , finds that there are 
two envelopes. He reads the name on the inner 
one.) — That means me, all right! {Opening the 
letter, he reads, his expression changes, he looks at 
Allen.) Carroll-Seymour! Mr. Allen, I have 
you to thank for this! 

Allen {Sfiiiling at Isabel) — I had only a little 
to do with it. 

Parker {Awkwardly approaching him and 
Isabel) — I've been an awful fool tonight, Isabel. 

Isabel — Many happy returns of tomorrow, Syd! 
Let's forget tonight I 

Parker — You're a corker, Isabel. {He stands 
awkwardly before her, then turns hastily to the 
others, and shakes hands all round.) Is there 
anything I can do around here? 

Isabel — Yes, help me to pack up these. 

(She and Parker gather her things together.) 

Finlayson — You are determined to move, are 
you? 

Isabel — Yes, I must. 

(Finlayson and Allen assist with the packing, 
Beatrice sits on the couch.) 

Finlayson — I am going to miss my little secretary- 
art-student terribly, 

Beatrice — Now, if it had been you she — er 

{Catching herself up) Taddy will miss you too, 
dreadfully! 

Isabel — ^Yes, dear little Tad! I shall miss him. 
He must come to see me. He and I share loads 
of secrets. 

{The door-bell rings. Everyone looks at the 
other nervously. Allen answers. Finlayson 
plants himself in front of the fireplace.) 



ii6 TRIAL MARRIAGE ^ 

Isabel — Hurry up, Syd 1 We must go. 

Parker — Everything seems to be here, eh? Have 
I got 'em all? 

Isabel — I think so. {Her arms and Parker's 
are full.) 

(Allen enters. All are expectant. Jane en- 
ters. She talks back into the hall.) 

Jane — Oh, do come in a moment, Professor, 
and help me explain our plans! They are all here. 
That makes it so much nicer! Come in — come in! 

Professor S. {Appearing C. E.) — If you insist, 
Madame. 

Jane — Won't you take o£f your coat? 

( The others, meantime, are bidding Isabel and 
Parker good-night.) 

Professor S. {Shrugging) — It iss not vorth vhile, 
dear ladee. I remain so leetle time. 

Jane {Gaily) — Well, good people, it's all 
settled. {To Isabel, who is in a great hurry) 
Oh, don't run away, Miss Perry ! Why, I didn't 
expect to find you here, Mr. Parker! 

Parker — It's a surprise to me also, Mrs. Fin- 
layson. I am helping Miss Perry to move. 

Jane {Surprised) — Well, do wait a moment and 
hear our plans for the big meeting. 

(All sit except Finlayson. After some in- 
decision he comes forward and determinedly places 
a chair C. for the Professor. The latter thanks 
him effusively, and sits. Finlayson remains in 
front of the fireplace, smoking furiously. Isabel 
and Parker still hold their parcels.) We are to 
make use of the same hall. On second thoughts we 
concluded it would be large enough, eh, Professor? 

Professor S. — Qvite large enough, I t'ink. 



ACT III 117 

Jane — ^Although we do want to plan this espe- 
cially for men, there's no disguising the fact that 
it is hard to attract them along the lines of the 
Professor's chosen subject. 

Parker {Trying to be conversational) — What is 
the subject to be? 

Beatrice {Falling again under the glamour of the 
Professor) — Yes, couldn't you give them a little 
idea of what it is going to be ? 

{The Professor looks enquiringly at Jane.) 

Jane — I wish you would. 

Professor S. — It iss widout precedent dat I do 
diss — yet vat can I do, ven it iss for you, Madame? 
My idea for dees lecture, it iss necessaree dat I 
put all in vone, as it vere, so I begin mit a few 
t'oughts on der not'ingness off der potentiaree plas- 
mogen. I ondertake to explain how useless iss dees 
in der eferyday life off dees period! 

Parker — Very interesting, I'm sure! 

Professor S. — Den — by natural consequence, ve 
come to der pleonasteec tendencies off der Kosmos, 
making, as it vere, so mooch — how shall I say? — 
(you see, I haf not my notes) — so mooch disturb- 
ances between der mens and dee vomans. 

Allen — Here's where I begin to catch on! 

Professor S. {Glad to see his interest) — ^Yes, 
Mistair Allen, it iss dat so great cosmotheteec force 
which ve, only so few off us, like Madame Feenlay- 
son and meinself, {Adding as an afterthought) and 
off course, Madame — er — {Indicating Beatrice) 
dees little ladee here, who can anteecipate der years, 
and make off dees a new eera. 

Jane — It's going to be splendid, combining so 
much in one lecture! Oh, how fortunate we are! 



ii8 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

Beatrice — I'm crazy about It ! 

Jane — Then how will you sum up, eh? 

Professor S. — Sum up? How you mean, Ma- 
dame? 

Jane — What will you finish with? 

Professor S. — Oh, I see! Vy, my dear ladee, 
der sum total iss vone grand idea — ze t'ing for 
vich feefty years hence ve lif 

Jane {Smiling) — Yes, go on — you'd better ex- 
plain to them further. 

Professor S. {Turning to Allen) — I am sure 
you haf seen der need off dees change, Mistair 
Allen; eef not here in your so charming household, 
den in dose around you. 

Allen (Brusquely) — Yes? To what do you re- 
fer? 

Professor S. (Solemnly) — To der Trial Mar- 
riage, Mistair. It iss my most dearly cherished 
dream off der iuture. 

(There is a subdued stir amongst all his listenerSj 
except Jane^ who appears to be enjoying herself 
hugely.) 

Isabel (Hastily) — Sydney! We really must be 
going ! 

Parker (Moving suddenly, drops one armful of 
parcels) — I'm with you. 

Isabel — Oh, dear, now see what you've done! 
(Going C. E.) Well, good-night, once more. 
Come along, Syd! (She goes out.) 

Professor S. (Detaiimig Parker a moment) — I 
hope to see you and dee so charming ladee on der 
Monday efening — er — Mistair — I haf not your 
name. 

Parker (Abruptly) — My name is Parker. 



ACT III 119 

Thanks, I'm sorry, but I expect to be out of town 
about then. Good-night all! {He goes out hastily.) 

^//—Good-night! 

P?'ofessor S. {To Jane) — I t'ink I also must 
now go. My vife, she haf asked me to stop by 
der pharmacee for some coughing syrup for dee 
babee. 

Jane — Baby? 

Beatrice — Baby ! 

(FiNLAYSON starts.) 

Allen — What's that? 

Professor S. — Ah, my tiny leetle vone, dee babee, 
she haf a bad cold taken. 

Beatrice — Why, I didn't know you were mar- 
ried. 

Professor S. {Holding up his hands) — Oh, so 
mooch married, my dear ladee! I haf der five — er 
— {Motioning as though his children were a stair- 
way, touching the head of each above the other) — 
how you say? Steps! One — two — three — four — 
five — der grand Americain cheeldren! 

Finlayson {Suddenly coming forward, a gleam in 
his eyes) — Very interesting, I'm sure! And Ma- 
dame StaticmuUer, how is she? 

Professor S. — ^Ah, dee good home-maker! She 
iss dere in der house. I t'ank you she iss veil, ve'y 
veil. Dat iss, as veil as vone can expect — of 
course, you onderstand — der cares off a familee ! 

Finlayson — Yes, I think we all see plainly I How 
does it happen. Professor, that you, who are ap- 
parently so happily situated, make it your life work 
to preach, "change, change, change"? 

Professor S. — Ah — er — Mr. Feenlayson, is it not? 
Yes — er — mit der great idea, it iss enough dat it 



I20 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

iss born in my brain. I gif it forth, Mistair — it iss 
enough! I am exhaust! It iss to others I look 
to lif my idea, Mistair Feenlayson — to others I 
look to lif! {Hastily) Good-night, I must go! 
It haf been so great pleasure, I assure you, to meet 
all in dees happy, happy home! 

( (Vith elabo7'ate bows to All he goes out C. E., 
followed by Jane. The others si?ik down in vari- 
ous attitudes of surprise, Allen and Beatrice 
looking at each other fixedly. Then Finlayson 
begins one of his paroxysms of silent laughter on 
the couch.) 

Jane {In the hall) — Good-night, Professor. It 
was awfully good of you to take so much trouble. 
{There is a murmur from the Professor.) Oh, 
yes, we'll all be there ! Good-night. 

(Jane reenters. She stands in the doorway sur- 
veying them, then peers around to see what Fin- 
layson is doing. He is speechless. Allen and 
Beatrice^ not seeing hiin, regard Jane with in- 
dignation.) 

Beatrice — Well — I'd like to know what you have 
to say for yourself, Jane Finlayson ! 

Ja7ie {Softly)— A^rW Fools'! 

(Finlayson's laughter breaks out audibly. He 
leans hack in the corner of the couch and laughs 
until he is weak. Jane seats herself L. in the big 
chair, and regards him with assmned wonder, then 
begins to laugh. Allen and Beatrice fidget 
about the room indignantly.) 

Beatrice — Well! When 5^ou have quite finished, 
you two! 

Allen — Next time I miss an Indoor Yacht Club 
meeting, for such damned nonsense, you'll know it! 



ACT III 121 

Finlayson {Gasping) — That is my one regret, 
Ned! {He struggles up, and approaches Jane, 
trying to assume a masterful air, but failing ut- 
terly.) What do you mean, Madame? What do 
you mean, I say? 

Jane {With pretended meekness) — I was trying 
to develop my sense of humor, Rod. 

Finlayson — Well, you succeeded all right, old 
girl. YouVe got us all beat a mile! 

Jane — Thank you. That's high praise from you ! 
I am encouraged to continue. {Looking about) 
Has anyone seen my book? I left it here earlier 
in the evening. {She searches for it.) 

Allen — Come along, Bee; I'll help you upstairs. 
{They start, taking Beatrice's wraps.) I move 
that we strike this fool night off the calendar. 
What do you say if we forget it? 

Finlayson {Joining them, with Jane, near C. 
E.) — I'm willing! I began it, so I'll finish it. I'm 
sorry ! 

Beatrice — Why — I don't think that. Rod! I'm 
sure if Ned hadn't come in as cross as a bear 

Allen — Shuh ! {Stopping her mouth with a kiss, 
he hurries her off upstairs, she protesting.) 

Jane {Gaily) — Nobody began it. It was all 
just an inevitable part of the dear Professor's po- 
tentious pleonastic tendencies! In plain language, 
"change, change, change!" Good-night. (Finlay- 
son regards Jane azvkwardly, not knowing what to 
say to her. She continues to search for her book,) 
I wish I could find my book! I want to finish a 
chapter. 

Finlayson — Maybe it slipped under the couch. 

Jane {Looking under the couch) — Whatever in 



122 TRIAL MARRIAGE 

the world! {She draws out a b?'ick d?id some 
sticks.) Some of Taddy's tricks, I suppose. Oh, 
here's my book! (Rising) 

Finlayson {Solemnly) — Oh, I forgot! I have 
been entrusted with a gift for you. Tad left you 
a kiss right here. {Indicating) You may take it 
now, if you like. 

Jane {Solemnly) — Thank you! {She kisses him 
carefully on the spot indicated. Then he catches 
her in his arms, and holds her close for a moment. 
Then Jane^ with a contented sigh, draws away a 
little.) Did you really care as much as that, Rod? 

Finlayson — I cared a whole lot, Jane. Next time 
you must give me warning when your sense of 
humor is going to take a flight. 

{Loud laughter comes from the Allens up- 
stairs. ) 

Jane — Something seems to be funny. Will you 
put out the lights. Rod? {Going toward their 
apartment L.) Oh, I'm dead tired! 

Finlayson {Beginning to put out the lights) — 
Yes. 

Bong {Appearifig C. E. fro7n the dining-room, 
glances in) — I put out lights. 

Finlayson — All right, Bong. Good-night. 

{He goes out L. The laughter from upstairs 
continues. Tad's shrill voice is also heard. Bong 
pokes the fire. Then laughter comes from the 
FiNLAYSONs' apartment. Bong turns from the 
fireplace in wonder. Down the stairs come the 
Allens, Tad capering after them. Allen is in 
his shirt-sleeves, Beatrice in kimono and slippers, 
her hair down. Allen carries an apple-pie aloft, 
and his pajama suit, tied in knots, over his arm. 



ACT III 123 

Beatrice carries her nightgown, and several sticks 
and bricks. Sticks are protruding from the sleeves 
of the nightgown.) 

{From L. come the Finlaysons. Rodney cai-- 
ries his pie on his head, and In each hand a brick, to 
balance, while his pajama coat, ivith knotted sleeves, 
hangs over his shoulders like a cape. He also is in 
his shirt-sleeves. Jane is in her kimono, and wears 
her nightgown over her^ shoulders like a cape. 
She carries some books and sticks. When all see 
each other, they become quiet for Tad's benefit, 
and march solemnly around in a circle, while Tad, 
in pajamas, and barefoot, capers wildly about, 
shouting.) 

T^^— April Fools'! April Fools'! 

(Bong regards them solemnly from the fireplace 
as the CURTAIN falls.) 



